How To Deal: The Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend

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See? This is us in my living room? Isn’t he cute? He’d be so much cuter if his face wasn’t squished by my head…

This sentence isn’t offensive on it’s own, but couple it with an hour’s worth of similar utterances, and you’ve got one of the most annoying situations in life: The Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend.

I was recently in the presence of such a girl, and found myself silently contemplating all the ways in which I could force her mouth shut permanently.

Trying to do work around one of these female specimens is impossible. You just can’t do it. No matter how interested you try to make yourself look in whatever work is in front of you, Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend will continually engage you in superficial drivel.

The shallow conversation she tries to engage you in will always be one-sided, however. Even though she’ll ask you questions that will keep you away from you work, she’ll routinely answer those questions herself, not having even a second to wait while you search your head for something remotely friendly to say.

Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend usually picks single people to torture. It’s a subconscious, animal-like sense that she has about her—she can smell singleness like a shark smells bloody fish heads.

I’m not sure she does this for vicious reasons. Quite possibly she thinks you want to hear about her hours of making out under the setting sun in a horse drawn carriage. You want to hear about it, she reasons, because you don’t have it. By detailing her unbridled happiness, she’ll let you live vicariously through her.

See? She’s actually doing you a favor.

If you’re a direct person who doesn’t mind stomping on the joy of others, telling Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend to shut the fuck up is the most direct way to stop her waterfall of words from drowning you. If, however, you find yourself a more tactful person, there’s only one real way to escape her never-ending supply of “he’s just so cute, isn’t he?

Run.

I mean it. Run away. You’ll never be able to get her to be quiet, she’s too blind with love to catch subtleties, and screaming at her will make you look like cynical bitch. Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking About Her Boyfriend will never voluntarily stop talking, so your best bet is to smile and run. Far, far away.

…Just make sure to find a good hiding spot.

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