Maxim Gets Bitchy, Tells the World Who’s Not Sexy

It’s not like I expect Maxim to be the New York Times. It’s not like I expect them to propagate feminist causes. I don’t even really expect them to be very literary—but going after certain women and calling them “unsexy”?

That’s just lame.

The Five Unsexiest Women Alive list, compiled as a direct response to Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive article, is a negative, annoying editorial meant to do nothing except pick on aging stars and go after girls who are already suffering.

Explaining #5 on the list has “about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge”, Maxim goes after the easiest target of 2007, Britney Spears. Yes, she used to be hot and now she looks a little rough. Yes, she used to be a badass dancer and now thinks stumbling around constitutes a performance. Yes, she’s a bit of a media whore…but the girl has problems. Big, intense problems. Let’s give her a bit of a break, shall we?

Besides, when was being “not skinny” having “pudge”?

Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration.” Maxim goes on to say about it’s #4 unsexiest woman, the Material Girl herself. I mean, I know the woman has taken exercise to a militant level, but the almost-50-year-old mother of two recently signed one of the biggest music deals in history and still looks good in a pointy bra. What have you done lately, writers of Maxim?

Calling Sandra Oh “Dr. McSkinny” and blaming the real woman for the character flaws of a person she portrays on a failing (come on, it used to be good, but who cares anymore?) drama, Maxim dips to another level of lameness by deciding a “boyish figure” is enough to make a woman unsexy.

I agree that Amy Winehouse, #2 on the list, could use a little work. It certainly wouldn’t hurt for her to get off drugs, gain some weight, and lose the weird beehive, but like Ms. Spears, calling Winehouse “unsexy” is almost a moot point. She certainly could be sexy, she’s just got to straighten out her life first.

Going after another accomplished, older actress, Maxim names Sarah Jessica Parker it’s #1 unsexiest woman. To be honest, I’ve never really found her that attractive myself, but that doesn’t mean this is list is any less stupid.

Whether or not these chicks are “sexy” to me or anyone at Maxim isn’t really the issue. The list itself is the thing I disagree with. Why waste words and energy being mean when you’re not even really being that funny?

Just write about boobs instead. No one can argue with that.

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