America’s Next Top Model Speculations

Like me, if you settled into the couch Wednesday night, popcorn in hand, awaiting some supermodel drama, you were probably disappointed to find that America’s Next Top Model was just a recap, devoid of new Tyra-isms, melodramatic judging, and what-will-they-do-next photoshoots.

Hopefully you took the disappointment like a lady, and used the recap episode as an opportunity to make asinine judgments and predictions as to this cycle’s winner. I know I did!

To recap the recap, so far we’ve said tearful goodbyes to clueless but loveable Mila, forgettable Kimberly (who?), snooty Yale priss Victoria, bikini waxer Janet, and ice queen Ebony. I’m still mourning the loss of Janet, who SO deserved to win, and not just because she pretended to give Tyra a bikini wax during the first episode—but alas, I’ve had to name new favorites, predict my new top 3, and of course, speculate as to why each girl will get kicked off.

My completely unscientific yet completely overthought conclusions about the girls still in the running:

Ambreal: Will likely do well in the next photoshoot (which from the looks of commercials, is a music video that I pray Tyra won’t be starring in this time), but will meet her downfall a couple of episodes later when her progress stagnates and Tyra makes some trite speech about not wanting this enough.

Bianca: Will coast for a few episodes, not getting called out first and not getting stuck in the bottom two, until she has a bad photoshoot—at which point, words like “potential” will get thrown around a bit before she gets the boot. Ok, fine, I just don’t like her.

Chantal: Will probably be the next to go. I predict awkward dancing in the music video shoot and accusations of being too commercial, and not edgy enough—but then again, who had the bright idea to give her long blonde extensions? Zzzz.

Sarah: She’s not thin enough to be America’s Next Top Model, and not heavy enough to be America’s Next Top (Plus-Size) Model. Outside, in the real world, her weight is normal. So what does that make her? A beautiful girl who can reach the top shelf at the supermaket without standing on her tippy-toes. Oh, and it also makes her eliminated.

Saleisha: I’m guessing she’ll be sent home in the fourth-to-last episode. At that point, the judges will ooh and aah over how all the girls really made progress and what a tough decision it is, and she’ll get sent packing because she can’t walk a tightrope, pose, and act out a monologue at the same time or something.

Top Three:

Jenah: She’ll be the first to go of the top three. She’s just a step below Heather in beauty and a step below Lisa in photoshoot performance, which means Tyra will doubt—say it with me now—just how much she wants this.

Heather: I have no doubt she’ll rock the runway walk-off—but the CoverGirl commercial will be what sends her home. Sorry, Heather fans! I love her too and don’t think she comes off that awkward on each episode, but I foresee problems when it comes to filming the commercial and delivering lines.

Lisa: We have a winner! Or at least I do. She’s been rocking the photoshoots and even the judges have said the other girls are jealous of her performance. And I can already see her face on a CoverGirl ad. If that doesn’t earn her a completely useless modeling contract, what will?

But hey, that’s just me. What are your predictions for the rest of the cycle?

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