I’m Dreaming of a (Hellish) New York Christmas

I love Gawker. I really do. They get the best emails.

Like this one, a three day “New York at Christmas” itinerary sent by a local new yorker to some out-of-town friends.

At first glance, the detailed activities sound fun (even though the writer of the itinerary seems A) kinda controlling and B) permanently hyped up on Red Bull), but any long time resident of this city can tell you that participating in Traditional New York Christmas Time Tourist Stuff is actually less about “fun” and more about “depression, fear, anger, and rage”.

To help illustrate, I’ve made some translations (in bold) about certain suggested activities detailed in the Gawker’s smuggled letter:

• “There is typically parking on my street. If not, there is a parking lot next to my building that does parking by the day. I want to say it’s under $15. I can find out for sure if that interests you.” – Inexplicably, you will end up spending $150 by the end, that is, if you don’t accidentally get too close to a fire hydrant, which will push the total parking expenses up to $300.

• “Pack as little as possible, there is NOT a lot of space!” – Dude, my apartment can hardly accommodate me. Hope you’re not Claustro!

• “8am: NBC’s Today show (we have to make a good sign)” – we’re going to get up at an ungodly hour, stand out in the freezing winter weather, and have our ears assaulted by shrieking women in giant Santa sweaters. We probably won’t make it on TV, either…unless we somehow manage to steal an adorable baby.

• “10am: Rockefeller Christmas Tree” – You’re totally okay with suffocating crowds, right? And pickpockets?

• “12:30pm: FAO Schwartz to play the big piano” – We’re going to have to punch millions of little kids out of our way, and get eyed by guys dressed up as toy soldiers. Also…the music…might do something frighteningly permanent to your eardrums.

• “2pm: 5th avenue window shopping to see all the window displays” – because there’s absolutely no way we can actually buy anything.

• “9:45pm Comedy show at the Comedy Cellar in the village… I made this reservation, we have to be early, and there is a $15 cover and 2 drink minimum” – The drinks are around $8 each, plus tip. We’ll be spending about $35. Oh, it’s also going to be so crowded you consider homicide.

• “11:30pm: Go out in the West Village. Off the Wagon” – You’re all under the age of 22, right? and totally dig beer pong and undergraduate guys?

My Freshman Year: Day 102
My Freshman Year: Day 102
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