Being single is something I have cherished over the past few months. I have taken full advantage of my leg-shaving free showers and the ability to be completely selfish with my time. Being able to focus only on myself has allowed me to discover more of who I am as a philanthropist, a writer and a woman in general. I have grown stronger and more independent and I am truly grateful for the opportunity.
Yet, for some reason, it seems like one evening made me forget everything I have grown to appreciate over the past few months.
While out on a seemingly normal Saturday night last weekend, I met someone when I least expected it. He was intelligent, attractive and attracted to me. (Score!) We spent the evening talking and laughing and having a great time. I genuinely enjoyed the time I spent with him, which was something I haven’t had in a long time. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.
I went home happy and excited. I wasn’t really looking for anything right now, but that is what made my night so thrilling. Still, I didn’t want to make anything more out of the situation than it was: two people hanging out with a side of blatant flirtation. Despite all of my internal dialogue, though, I couldn’t get the kid out of my head. No matter how many times I told myself to stop thinking about it, stop checking my phone and stop daydreaming about what would happen if I saw him again, I just couldn’t.
And it pissed me off.
Twenty four hours before this I was laying on my couch enjoying the time I had to catch up on my reading. I was making a list of gifts to buy for a local shelter. And I was announcing to the world how happy I was to be a single woman. Yet now, against all my better judgment and constant self-talk, I couldn’t get this guy out of my head.
I feel completely pathetic; like I have become one of those crazy girls all the guys talk about. And the worst part is, I can’t stop it. How is it possible that a few hours can change what took months to create? What more can I do to make myself do what I keep telling myself to?
I know that my current situation is taking me down a path of pain and disappointment, but I can’t seem to go in another direction. And no matter how many times I tell myself that 1) I barely know anything about this kid and 2) I really love going to bed early and getting up to go to the gym, nothing is working.
I don’t want to be that girl. I hate that girl.
And I fear that I am becoming that girl.
What can I do!?