Where Have All the Good Lines Gone?

In a dark, moderately dirtball Irish pub with adorable bartenders straight from Ireland, I am approached by a liquor promoter. He’s pretty good-looking, obviously a flirt because who else takes a job as a promoter, and so begins his attempt as he hands me a keychain:”Who do you get? Who do people always say you look like?”

I reply the truth, no one, because no one even thinks I look like myself after changing the hair. But the promoter has an opinion,

Okay, so, you definitely don’t have some features she has, which is a good thing, but—”

Is he serious? I am intrigued by the obvious trap he is setting for himself. Why is it that dumb must always accompany pretty?

—did you watch Blossom? I swear, you’re a post nose-job Blossom…. No, it’s a good thing!”

Was it really? I spent the rest of the evening staring at my nose in the mirror behind the bar and glaring at the promoter, who at the end of the evening thought he had a shot at seeing me at his ‘gig’ next weekend.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I’ve gotten better celebrities than Blossom. Even “You’re tall,” is a better line than likening me to a questionable celeb, and that’s just stating the obvious! (Some of my guy friends have reviewed and considered the tall bit a “genius” conversation starter. Case and point, how lines like this get started and circulate.)

It seems like T-Pain’s “Buy U A Drank” has been the inspiration for the “greatness” of pickup lines lately. And by “greatness” I mean wow, it looks as though people have given up completely.

Remember the days of “I lost my number, can I have yours?” and “Are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night.”? Yes, the lines were terrible and cheesy and limited to usage by 15-year-olds, but now at least they were sort of sweet and not flat-out insulting. Now it’s just kind of obvious. “Hey… can I buy you a drink? Maybe hook up? No? Cool. Thanks.”

This sort of flirtation has got to get expensive. If you’re ever out at night and wondering why your potential hook-ups aren’t a-flockin’, maybe they literally can’t afford to be turned down again.

Shows like The Pickup Artist, and it’s horrendous host Mystery, have inspired far too many men nationwide. The I-O-I’s (indicators-of-interest, for those who aren’t savvy), the dating advice from a man who I cannot imagine ever getting laid in his life…. It’s all bringing our single scene to ruin. It also inspired my roommate’s Halloween costume.

Where have the witty, chatty single people gone? Are they all really in relationships, or have they just devoted their lives to bigger things, like alcohol promotion?

Heard any good lines lately, or wonderfully bad ones? Trust that we feel your pain… and at least we can all laugh about it together. Share some of your stories with us!

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