Lesson Learned: St. Patrick’s Day Booze Fest

March 17th is a wonderful day. Besides kicking off my birthday week (March 21st and I love diamonds, if you were wondering), the 17th of March also happens to be the day that we celebrate my favorite of Saints, the one, the only, Saint Patrick.
Like most people under the age of 30, St. Patrick’s Day is one of the top 3 holidays of the year, after Christmas (or Hanukkah) and before the 4th of July. It is a day spent celebrating St. Patrick, one of the Patron Saints of Ireland.
Or, a day getting completely shitfaced and waking up in the morning with green teeth.
Which presents a problem on years such as this one when St. Patrick’s Day is on a Monday. Meaning, classes are in session.
I’ve been there. And I learned some difficult and painful lessons that I think everyone can – and must – learn from. Because when your friends decide to skip lecture and attend Keg and Eggs at 6am it will be hard to say no. You will rack your brain trying to come up with reasons why you too should not throw caution (and your Philo book) to the wind and partake in the festive meal. You will tell yourself that it is just one beer and you will be fine to make it to that review session/presentation at 4.
But take it from me. You will not be OK. It will not be one beer. And there is no way in hell you will be ready for anything besides cheese fries come 4pm.
You, like me, will spend your morning getting wasted on any green hued cocktail you can get your hands on. You will wash down those cocktails with tasty snacks as you make your way from bar to bar to party to bar. You will start with cheese fries, move onto candy bars, and round off your morning with a nice big slice of pizza. You will skip (literally) around town in a drunken stupor taking pictures with your friends and stopping to play beer pong with the random guys on the corner who bought a regular keg of beer and made it green by adding too much food coloring.
You will then realize that it is already 3PM and it is time to sober up and prepare that presentation your asshole prof assigned for 4PM on mother-fucking St. Patrick’s Day. So you will head to the nearest dining establishment – say, an ice cream parlor – and start loading up on food in order to make it to class and not completely fuck up the assignment that is worth 25% of your grade.
And you will stumble into class with your milk shake, green teeth and the extra dry mouth that comes with hours of drinking/the beginnings of a hangover and attempt to make everyone in the room think you are totally fine and responsible and are not actually coming from your sixth game of Beer Pong, but from the library where you have been studying all day. You will convince yourself that you are fine because you have everything typed up and all you have to do is read.
Until you realize that the room is spinning and you cannot stand up let alone see the 12 point Times New Roman filled pages you hold in front of you. You bluff your way through the assignment, excuse yourself to get a drink of water, then take a nap in the back of the room until the class ends.
All this is rewarded by your professor with a big, fat “C”.
At least that is how it all went for me.
I am not saying don’t drink on St. Pat’s Day; obviously it is an important holiday that should be honored with cheers and keg stands. Just don’t think for a second that you will be able to enjoy the holiday and take part in your regularly scheduled life.
St. Patrick’s Day is an all or nothing choice. You either do school or you do celebrations; but not both. Both didn’t work for me and my GPA and it won’t work for you.

Sticky Lip-Haters Rejoice: The Stain Is Here
Sticky Lip-Haters Rejoice: The Stain Is Here
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