Mud Bowl of Dueling Notes: ROL 2 Recap: Episode 5

Last time: Aubry looked a fool and…that’s really it.
It’s the morning of Episode 5 in the ROL house and nine girls remain. Rather, three women, one dummie and five skanks. Big John gathers the naughty nine or whatever Bret’s calling them; I don’t know because I’m so fixated on Big John’s scarfless head. Unlike Bret, lurking under Big John’s scarf is a full head of his own hair. He even styled it. Big John’s on the prowl for leftovers!
The challenge for this episode is Bret’s Mud Bowl 2. Daisy the Blowfish says that she’s never played – good, I hope that you get injured.
The teams are named the Sweethearts and the Fallen Angels, which sound like cheesy girl biker gang names. Bret looks absolutely ridiculous in shorts with those chicken legs. Dude, my grandpa’s legs are buffer than yours.
This game will feature Bret as a quarterback, Big John as the ref and the controller of weather.
Naturally, Catherine with the beehive is captain of the Sweethearts and Destiney is the captain of the Fallen Angels. The captains get to choose their teams of four but because there is an uneven number, one will be left out without a chance at a date. The team that wins will get a group date, their MVP gets a solo date. Stupid Megan is not chosen and I think that she’ll be spending most of the game trying to figure out the math on how the teams were split up.
I hope that she gets tackled on the sideline.
Kick off in the rain. Please kick each others asses and actually entertain me. Why do guys have an unnatural love for muddy ass? It’s not hot.
Daisy the Blowfish camera-dramatizes the girls being stupid about football. Better than being generally stupid like you, fish lips.
Ambre scores two to touchdowns for the Sweethearts, KJ scores one for the Fallen Angles and then fake snow falls on the field. The slipping and sliding looks painful, but Bret gets his muddy girls and that’s all the matters. Who cares if they get hurt, right, Bret? Douche.
Daisy the Blowfish gets desperate and starts to actually play. Inna is disappointing me until she scores and ties things up. As the girls get ready to play Sudden Death to determine the winner, I notice that Bret is far too clean for being on that field while everyone else is getting hurt and dirty. Someone tackle Bret.
Ambre’s back hurts and I’m sure that she could use some geritol right about now.
Sudden Death kicks off in the rain and Ambre looks like she has the game sealed until she fumbles and Daisy the Blowfish Skank grabs it, runs with it, and scores (did they just moon Bret?!). KJ, Inna and Destiney win the group date, and the Most Valuable Skank, Daisy, gets the solo date. Ambre the Injured gets her geritol.
Daisy the Blowfish Skank is nervous about having her first real date with Bret – yet she ALREADY HAD SEX WITH HIM. Bret takes his silicone skank goddess to a trashy lingerie store for their date. Seriously? Is he going to buy this shit for her? Oh, God, I have to watch her try it all on. Her body is hot, but her face could stop a truck.
Catherine and Whiskey Voiced Peyton have an General Foods International Coffee moment as they worry about their status over the fire pit.
Bret and Skank Spice Daisy eat dinner in the lingerie store, where Daisy keeps on a trashy dress and bores Bret with her questions. The best one: “Do you like to travel?” OMG, the best. question ever. Because he’s on tour nine months of the year.
Peyton’s worry prompts her to writes Bret a note and put it on Bret’s door. Megan writes one, too, and declares that Peyton’s note is “ugly”; I guess when you’re stupid, notes can fall under the ugly category.
Wait – she can write? And read that the other note is from Peyton? I love how she pronounces Peyton’s name – “Pey-ton” like she’s still hooked on phonics. Peyton sees that her note is missing and Stupid Megan lies about removing it. PUNCH HER, PEY-TON!!! For me. Please? Megan removes Pey-ton’s second note. I hate you, Stupid Megan.
Bret returns from the date and everyone plays a game of pool. Catherine uses her cue skills to get some time with Bret and then Daisy the Blowfish camera-insults her by calling her Peggy Bundy. Sure, Catherine has a little beehive, but YOU, Skank Spice, will not look like that when you’re 45, so shut up. I love that when Daisy tries to interrupt them that she gets shut down and then feels rejected when Bret chooses to sleep alone.
The next day, Ambre’s bruised up from the game and I feel badly about my old lady geritol jabs.
Group date: Inna, KJ and Destiney meet Bret at a racetrack, where he pulls up in a Lotus, which is pretty hot. He makes them dress up in these awful spandex jumpsuits which are totally not hot. Destiney drives first around the track, then KJ and then Inna and her massive cleavage.
After they drive, they sit down for lunch on the track, which is way, way better than dinner in a lingerie store – I’m just saying. Bret talks about the girls and brings up Do Nothing Jessica, whom he says is very nice. Yawn.
KJ talks about her restraining orders on Ex #1 and soon to be Ex #2. That sounds so trailer park and I wonder at what point Bret says, “You know what? That’s f*cking crazy and I’m afraid of the idea of being with you.” I mean, I like her, but I’m not a guy so I don’t have to worry about that mess.
Back at the house, Peyton’s fiending for Bret time and the air is thick with Lady Stetson and desperation. Bret smells it when he gets home and talks to Peyton. She busts out with the tears and says, “Are you attracted to me?” What follows is the most convoluted and strange non-rejection rejection that I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t even record, it left me so dumbfounded. Just say no, man.
Elimination time! You can ignore that exclamation point. Since I couldn’t even tell you who’s leaving, I’m not as excited about it.
Stupid Megan thinks that she and Bret have a “mental Superman psychological connection.” I was stricken with some temporary Megan brand stupidity upon hearing that and was unable to take notes for a minute or two. When I recover from the Ditz Bomb that Megan dropped, I notice that Megan is in a bra and I don’t know how much more of this idiot that I can handle.
And then the idiot gets a pass. Of course. Pey-ton, you’d best kick her ass if you don’t get yours. Do Nothing Jessica is somehow still in. Pey-ton gets called and…
DAISY THE BLOWFISH SKANK IS WITHOUT A PASS. Rejoice! Peyton is chosen and we get to see her possibly destroy Megan in the next episode!!
Wait – what? He saved the best for last? She’s staying?
I throw my notes at Bret’s eyeliner and weave.
I am so pissed off. He wanted to be nice and give everyone a chance, sleep with Daisy again and possibly exchange Aqua Net tips with Catherine.
Next week: Two will be kicked off as Rodeo brings back her crazy eyes, the big laugh, and the wrinkles for some challenge that involves horses and pig wrestling. Delicious.

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