I Can’t Take This Show: ROL 2 Recap: Episode 6

Last time: mud bowl, Bret kept everyone around for this episode and – God, I don’t care, just cut to eliminations now please.

Episode 6 starts bright and early in the morning. Bret wakes up the girls and Big John, who I find to be more and more intriguing with each episode, hands Pey-ton a Bret-O-Gram (what the hell are they calling these?) to read aloud outlining the challenge for the day.

Where is Bret from, like, Pittsburgh? Any Pittsburgh girls want to come out and tell me if there are any cowboys out where you are?

I ask because the challenge is broken down into three events involving greased pigs, lassoing and horses. Anyway, Rodeo and her “hellish laugh” come out on a horse to help with the Rocker Rodeo Relay and I hate the people who named this challenge. Just like the Mud Bowl, there will be two teams and the MVP will win a solo date while the remaining winning team members get a group date.

Team captains again get to choose their teammates. Catherine and her beehive lead the blue team (Inna, Peyton, Daisy and Megan) and Ambre leads the red team (Destiney, KJ and Jesssica).

Stupid Megan thinks that the girls are jealous of her hotness and that’s why no one picks her. No, stupid, it’s because you probably don’t understand the rules of the games without diagrams and finger paint.

I can’t even figure out what’s going on with the lasso. Are they lassoing a bale of hay? The horses just ran off. Do we need the horses?

Turns out that we do – Catherine and Ambre have to ride them like 20 feet – and that’s it? They just ride them?

All of a sudden we’re on to pig wrangling? They have to get the bandanas off of these greased pigs. Oooh, okay. Suddenly, I think that I know how Megan feels.

Again, what’s up with all of the exposed tummies? And what’s the point of Rodeo even showing up for this episode? None? Just checking.

Daisy the Blowfish thinks that the pigs went to college because they are so smart. The pigs have one strategy: to not be touched by the belly exposing skanks. No college involved. I promise.

So the red team wins because Do Nothing Jessica DID something. She grabs the final bandana! She speaks! And she wins MVP!

The group date is later on that night and KJ, Destiney and Ambre are going with Bret to a restaurant called Opaque. Bret calls it “fine dining in complete darkness.” Yeah, allow me to disagree on that, my friend, since we all know what’s going to go down. Why are they bothering with the food? Oh, great, night vision cameras. Because the sound effects wouldn’t be enough.

Ambre is talking about being a cheerleader in high school in 1963 or whatever and KJ is alllll over Bret; so much so that he can’t hear Ambre. How can she not hear the make out sounds? Then KJ turns freak and a little violent and Destiney and Ambre get wise to what might be going on. When KJ and Destiney go to the ladies room (at least they don’t have to pee in total darkness) Ambre pounces on Bret and WTF? How is the place a real restaurant? Who EATS there? I cannot take this show right now.

At the end of the date, Bret camera-defines the experience as having “brought out our other senses” and by senses he means saliva and an erection.

After the date, Bret chooses to spend time with Kristy Queen of Restraining Orders Joe. Everyone gets super pissed off but they can all keep their spandex on; Bret chose to hang with her.

KJ is wrapped in a blanket that belongs on Flav’s floor and Bret tells her that he wants her to be emotionally available and then seems to not really trust her – but then he asks her to stay in his room and “cuddle.” Bret Michaels doesn’t cuddle. Just a hunch.

The best part of this is that Daisy appears to be waiting outside of Bret’s locked doors as the hours tick by. Ha.

Poor Catherine, who never had a date, makes breakfast for Bret so that she can force her own date on him. Megan calls Catherine an old horse that needs to be shot! Can’t someone bust out with the Beauty and the Geek 2 revelation already?

Bret is clearly worn out from all of that cuddling and Catherine wakes him up to make him eat – what did she make? I can’t tell. She ends up kissing him and all I’m thinking is that he tastes like morning breath, breakfast food and KJ. Plus, he had sex with Daisy on those sheets. Catherine’s leg should be burning any second now…

So this is the day of the solo date and Jessica’s camera time after like 20 episodes. She’s a pretty girl and she seems really sweet so now I kind of feel badly for ragging on her do nothing status. Even though she appeared to totally do nothing before. Anyway –

They’re paintballing for their date, which seems like fun. Big John is going to serve as the sniper – which is fitting since we learn that Big John is a US Marine. And he was a sniper. Can Big John have an episode dedicated to him? After Trantastique, I’d totally spend a lot of house time with Big John.

So anyway blah blah paintball and Jessica and Bret sit down together for dinner and when Jessica says to Bret, “You make me feel safe” she makes me feel pretty nauseated. HOW could he possibly make you feel safe? You don’t mean emotionally, right, since there are 80 other women competing for his affection?

Bret and Jessica return so that Bret can prep for eliminations! Finally!!

Daisy the Blowfish is a big fan of “I don’t know what Bret’s talking about” and “I’m freaking out.” Like we hear these phrases come out of her mouth at each elimination. I expect more from someone who’s slept with him. You should know him a little bit better than I do, since I don’t find him confusing and I know him from the comfort of my couch.

I’m afraid that Pey-ton and Catherine are leaving but I hope that somehow Megan is sent home.

Bret’s eyeliner is on THICK. John’s wearing a bandana and I’m disappointed because I like to see his hair.

Jessica gets the first pass and it is utter cuteness. There are puppies and kittens everywhere.

Stupid Megan is still in. Destiney’s bustier is from the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. I totally almost bought it in black for Halloween.

It’s down to Inna, Catherine and Peyton and I was totally right – Peyton and Catherine are sent home. Bret tells Peyton that he wants to keep her as a friend which makes me sad for her because she actually seemed to want to be with him.

Catherine is surrounded by the sweet guitar music from the first episode as she says goodbye. As she and her beehive depart, I know that she too was probably there for Bret. And yet stupid Megan is still standing.

Next time: Stripping for the USO. KJ is there for her career – she has a career? And the one with the most stripperish name (talking to you, Destiney) calls her out for that.

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