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Your Hot Tub Is Stupid: An Open Letter to My Ex

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Dear Ex BF,

It has been awhile since we parted ways, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot all the things I wanted to say to you but never got the chance. You dated me long enough to know (well, if you ever stopped talking about yourself long enough to learn anything about me) that I always have to have the last word. Always.

So, here is my last word. Actually, quite a few of them.

I never really got the chance to say much during our three month relationship. Lord knows I tried, but it is hard to get a word in with someone who likes to talk about his greatness in all things from timing the traffic lights to fixing things to his sexual stamina. Well, my ex-pal, the only thing you were good at was convincing people you were good at everything else. Because I remember the time we almost died when you ran a red light, my dresser drawers that won’t close correctly since you “fixed them” and that one time we had sex for longer than 3 minutes….and you were hammered.

While we’re on the topic, let me just say that foreplay is more than just pulling off your own sweatpants and grabbing a condom. Maybe you were ready to go at the drop of a hat (as made obvious by the many times you pre-warned me that, “this may be quick.”), but we lady-folk need a little bit more attention. Perhaps you could have kissed my neck or, I don’t know, undressed me? I know that any form of physical contact brought the possibility of an even earlier climax for ya, but you could have at least tried.

I was exposed to so many new things when I was with you. Like Taco Bell, feigning interest in carpentry and fake laughter at horrendous jokes. I understand that you think you are funny, but you need to understand that I am funny. And so are my friends, my family and just about everyone I interact with. You didn’t know that, though, because you never let me tell a story, show you pictures, or even crack a witty joke. People around town find me quite hilarious, buddy, but not even your friends wanted to hear yet another one of your long and drawn out stories.

And, finally, let me just say that I do understand you being in serious debt from your student loans. I have plenty of friends in the same boat. I even didn’t mind hearing you bitch about how little money you had on a daily basis or even picking up the bill when we went to dinner. But when you decided to add to your $10,000 in credit card debt by installing an unnecessary hot tub in your back yard? Come on. There is nothing more unattractive than superfluous spending; except maybe that bachelor pad germ-fest you wasted your money on.

I know that you currently have a new woman – I couldn’t help but notice your obvious makeout session after spotting me at the grocery store last weekend – and that is wonderful. I am sure you two will be very happy together…until the long-distance thing ends and she realizes that the real thing isn’t nearly as good as you made it out to be. I will continue to enjoy my life as a single woman (with my new friend that can actually go all night long).

Best of Luck (at one of the many things you excel at),

Lauren

[Do you have something you’d like to say to That Ex? We want to hear it. Let it out, ladies. Let it ALLL out.]

COLLEGECANDY Writer
When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.