Rejection Made Easy: Dis-missals

A lot of people have told me that they are eternally grateful to be on my good side. It seems that I can be quite a biatch if I don’t like you, someone you hang out with, or something you said or did in the past. Or if you are wearing something ugly and unflattering. Or if you mess with one of my friends. Or if I’m drunk and feeling rather confrontational. Or…well, the possibilities are endless.

The weird thing is that while I have absolutely no problem standing my ground and being a total bitch in certain situations, I am actually petrified of confrontation. Even in the most minor of cases. Like when I was at American Apparel the other day; I tried on fifteen things and decided I didn’t want any of them. But instead of telling the hipster sales dude that, I told him I would have to run to my car to grab my wallet. And I never returned.

If I can’t even give the dude at American Apparel “bad news,” imagine how bad I am with things that really matter. Like breaking things off with people.

If I hookup/go on a date with someone and don’t really feel anything (like, I don’t know…an orgasm?) I ignore their calls and emails until they get the point. If I’m feeling guilty or the guy is just not getting the hints, I will break the news in a text or email.

I know this is horrible and unfair – I used to complain about it all the time when guys did it to me – but I am just so bad at actually saying something. I get all tense and end up saying really stupid things. I have even been known to make myself feel bad enough that I end up going on another date and having a terrible time yet again.

And if it is something more serious – like an actual relationship – forget about it. The thought of ending things makes me ill. The thought of doing it face to face is giving me hives. Maybe it is because I am a baby, or maybe it is because I am a product of the AOL generation, but I am just better at dealing with the confrontation when I don’t actually have to see it. And I never have to change out of my sweats/get out of bed to do it. Unfortunately, breaking up with someone via a text message (“We R Thru”) is really frowned upon. As are emails, IMs and, thanks to Sex and the City, Post Its.

With all of those handy options off the table, what is a confrontation-aphobe supposed to do? Thanks to the wonderful World Wide Web, I found my answer. In a book. Called Dis-Missals.

No, ladies, this is no self-help book (because, frankly, there is no helping me); this is a lovely little collection of post cards that will say all those things you never could. Things like, “You know how when a fly lands on your arm and it feels kind of good, but then you realize it’s gross and slap it away? That’s kinda what you’re like.” All you have to do is fill in the “To” and the “From” and your work is done. Your message is sent. You are single.

Everyone loves getting mail, so it’s basically a win/win.

How perfect is that?

I just wonder if this book has a “Thank you for your help, but your shirts are cut much smaller than their size and are a bit overpriced for simple long sleeved tee” card to hand to that dude the other night. That would have made things so much easier for both of us.

Mostly me.

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