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“Heal My Divorce Chakras” ROL 2 Recap: Episode 8

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Last episode, the USO show of horrors went off beautifully and there was KJ drama.

This episode begins with the girls working out. I’d been wondering if the girls worked out while they were there, especially KJ, Daisy and Megan, because they seem to be in the best shape and you have to work to maintain that sort of thing.

After the workout, KJ calls Joe, her second husband with whom she hadn’t spoken in two weeks, and starts telling him in her vague crazy way that she really wants a divorce.

You crazy broad, I thought that you’d already filed for divorce?!? Joe’s reaction makes it clear that things were possibly heading toward reconciliation before KJ fell in love with Bret. In like three days. She loves him. Please.

Bret escaped the house while all of the above transpired. I don’t blame him. Though I wonder if he was driving through LA with top down on his car while blaring Poison. Because that would be the smoothest move and he might get some non-reality show camera whore tail.

Big John and his super slick hair deliver the “sexy six” their strip-o-gram. Did he smooth his hair when he walked away? He is the true star of this show.

KJ wants to find Bret and let him know that she’s getting a divorce and when she can’t find him, she tells Ambre what’s going on. Ambre was under the same impression as me about KJ’s divorce and was all ‘I thought that you’d already filed for divorce, you crazy crier.’

“No wonder Bret doesn’t trust you.” That’s right, Ambre.

Bret returns and describes the challenge: make a music video for two of his songs. One team will get a ballad called “Fallen” and the other team will do “Go That Far”, which is the show’s theme song.

Each team of three will have a creative director and for the team that wins, two girls will get a group date and the creative director will get a solo date that night.

It goes down this way: Destiney is the creative director for “Go That Far” and Daisy and Jessica are on her team. Daisy’s going to end up on a pole, I know it.

Ambre is the creative director for “Fallen” and gets to deal with the crazy that is KJ and the stupid that is Megan. Good luck, Ambre.

Dean Karr is going to help the two groups make and edit their videos in the three hours that they are allotted.

WTF is Destiney wearing on her head? It sparkles. And Daisy said that Destiney has done videos – oh, God, what kind? Destiney and her pimp hat are not feeling Daisy and her blowfish pushy directorial ways. Her ideas are pretty terrible.

Daisy has the camera in hand and she can’t hold it and walk at the same time. Just stick her in a stripper cage and let her shine. And did Bret buy her that slut pink cutout spandex outfit or has she worn it before? She looks like a superhero. Spread Eagle Blowfish.

For “Fallen”, it looks like video will consist of KJ crying. That’s a stretch. What’s Megan’s role?

And Daisy’s on a pole. Dean Karr is spending all his time with this group and I’m not surprised.

Now Megan’s angrily hanging up a phone. What are they doing with this?

I think that Destiney’s team is going to win. They are very naked and Bret’s predictable.

When it comes down to the final editing, Ambre’s team experiences a system crash and Destiney’s team editor looks less than thrilled to be listening to Daisy, Destiney and Jessica fighting about how the video should look.

Ambre’s team and their editing computer pull through and we get to see the videos.

“Fallen” – KJ is crying in bed. She touches the phone – like caresses it, which is weird. Megan is half naked and tries to get her out of bed. Then Megan’s on the phone and does some bad angry gesticulating and the angry slam. Then KJ runs down the stairs to answer the door and she gets a rose. Who was at the door, the Bachelor? They edit in Bret throughout the video and he looks OLD.

“Go That Far” – Jessica enters the house in a school girl outfit and then gets made up to be a tramp? Take your finger out of your mouth. Is that actual girl on girl action??! Yep, Daisy’s on the pole. OMG, the video is crazy dirty and will totally win.

Even Ambre thinks that Destiney’s team won.

BUT Bret surprises us all and chooses “Fallen” and I’m completely shocked.

Destiney goes on a kitchen rampage about KJ getting to go on another date and is all “Why are you still here?” Daisy calls her “Crappy Joe” and then cries blowfish tears. Why are you crying? Because you didn’t win a date? Or did you look in the mirror?

Ambre’s date is in Bret’s room and Satish, the Eastern Master Healer, is going to do their chakras or read their chakras – whatever it is that you do with chakras. As long as their chakras don’t have sex, I can watch.

Ambre says that she’s 32. Noooooo way. You are lying. You are easily 39. Satish says that they’ve known each other since the 12th century. Too easy to follow her age with that revelation. I can’t.

KJ’s knocking on the door and Bret looks less than thrilled to see her. He’s on a date, calm the f*ck down, KJ. Tell him later.

Ha! Not only did he send her away, Bret sends Satish up to KJ who could use some chakra healing.

Ambre is pissed about KJ’s interruption. Confrontation to come! Ambre’s got a backbone and I like it.

Satish is talking to KJ about sad trees, crazy mountains and frustrated oceans. KJ knows all about that crazy mountain, don’t you, crazy broad?

After making out with Ambre’s chakra, Bret ends the date and calls down KJ. All of the girls wait outside on the stairs like stray cats as KJ is once again in Bret’s room.

KJ tells Bret what she needed to tell him and yeah, Bret also didn’t know that KJ had not yet started with the divorce proceedings.

Jessica’s crying her sweet Jessica tears. Wow. I feel badly for her and her cuteness, but is it that emotional? Is KJ that crazy?

Next day: KJ and Megan meet Bret at the Shade Hotel for their date. Can anyone tell me how Megan ended up straddling Bret? KJ walks away. She’s not so crazy that she’d stay to watch.

Megan and Bret haven’t talked a lot but rather than remedy that, Bret just keeps making out with her. You cannot connect to the stupid, Bret, just listen to me already!

After like an hour, Bret remembers that KJ is on the date too and trades girls for alone time. KJ admits to some crazy and then Megan returns.

After the date, Ambre confronts KJ and I’ll sum it up with Ambre shouting, “You’re f*cking with Bret and you’re f*cking with me and I’m sick of it!”

Indeed.

Time for eliminations. This episode went by quickly for once.

Jessica has officially won me over. She reps the normal girls out there and I appreciate it.

The final two without a pass are Megan and KJ. I recognize how annoyingly crazy KJ is, but Megan is stupid and I haaaaaate stupid.

Bret calls down KJ and Megan looks hurt. He asks KJ if she’ll stay in the house and the girls and I cannot believe that he’s putting the decision in her hands. She’s crying. Yawn.

KJ finally says that she needs to go home and take care of her life. Bret walks her out, which is kind of sad. Like I actually feel badly for Bret because he voluntarily put up with that crazy for – what – 12 days? How long have they been there? At least she’s all packed and ready to go with her jillion bags.

So stupid Megan is in. He doesn’t have a pass for her, she gets no speech.

But there is no Bret Beer Toast to celebrate – he walks out.

Next time: The exes show up and that is going to rock so hard, I cannot wait for that. Heather shows up, gets everyone drunk, makes them expose their tatters and Jessica dies. Just kidding – she just pukes pretty hard from drinking a beer.

COLLEGECANDY Writer