An Open Letter to the Cheater Who Won’t Cheat

I’m tired of talking to my friends about this ONE guy who has been haunting my love life, or lack thereof, since the fall. I’m sick of pretending like I don’t care when I talk to him, too. The fact of the matter, Travis, is this: Even my PARENTS know all about you and the sort of emotional mud you’ve been dragging me through. I see pictures of you and cringe. It’s time you received an open letter. And for once, I’m gonna go ahead and NOT care if your cute little girlfriend, who is, by default, an idiot, reads this.
Dear Travis,
I respect the fact that you refuse to cheat on your girlfriend of three years. You are a very noble man. In fact, I respect you for doing all that you can to avoid being in the same room as me these days. You and I both know that it’d be easier to get American troops out of Iraq than it would be to get your tongue out of my mouth if we were ever to, tragically, be left alone together.
I respect your ability to use your mind and step outside of this situation so that you can ascertain its importance in the long run. You have an impressive ability to weigh out your options, Travis. You should be a stock broker.
The only problem? Well, you’re a snakey asshole. Here’s what I DON’T respect about you:
You won’t cheat on your girlfriend but you WILL exchange porn with me during an AIM conversation about how much we’d like to have sex with each other. You tell this girl that you LOVE her all while telling me that you think I might be better for you than she is. When you send me text messages about how beautiful I am, are they sent before or after you kiss her goodnight?
You taunt me with the fact that you know I have a “thing” for you. A THING that you so carefully earned. You tell me that you can’t be around me because you know you would cheat on your girlfriend. You tell me that you want to kiss me every time you see me.
It’s true. In a way I do respect you for being able to recognize our sexual potential and act accordingly so that you can keep your girlfriend around.
But Travis, it’s clear you don’t love her. Quit being such a pussy all of the time. Break up with that barely legal, oblivious, worse-for-you-than-me mama. Then Man Up and call me when you’re outside. No matter how snakey you’ve been, I still want to jump your bones more with each day that this continues. ESPECIALLY if it’s anything like the movies you sent me.
The girl you can’t be around because you wanna nail her so hard.

Those Were the Days…
Those Were the Days…
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