“It’s Awesome and I’m Horny” ROL 2 Reunion

Yeah, I do not concur with Bret on that.

I missed the first four minutes of the show but that doesn’t matter because my Trantastique is back with the subtitles! I’ve missed her so. Aubrey calls her a man and Bret insists that Trantastique is all woman which is kind of terrfying if you think about how up close you know Bret got to that. Poor thing had to quit stripping because everyone just wanted to talk to her and wouldn’t let her take off her clothes. I would want to just talk to her, too. She gives Bret a last lap dance and I am overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness.

I love that Ricky Rachtman hosts this mess. He needs to be way more famous, because I can’t link him to anything good.

Destiney is up next and looking fab without tons of make up. She is still the voice of reason in saying that maybe if she’d had more time that she could have fallen in love with Bret. Yeah, two hours of alone time within the span of one month isn’t enough.

Ricky talks about Destiney’s cool dad and they show the clip from when he visited the house. Destiney, please don’t cry. Now I am crying, too. Please announce that he is still alive and don’t play “Give Me Something to Believe In“, you are killing me, VH1. Even Bret is crying. Destiney’s dad died two weeks before the reunion was taped and I desperately need a commercial break right now.

I dry my tears in time for Kristy Joe and her crazy. Ricky says that he can get her tissues and prozac and Ricky needs to meet me for a drink. Especially after: “Daisy, do you live with your boyfriend? No? Kristy Joe, are you married and do you live with your husband? Okay.” I guess KJ committed to six months of counseling with her husband after the show or something. I don’t care so I didn’t pay attention. Aubrey-KJ montage? I love it. It’s quasi-lesbionic and totally funny.

Now Peyton and the whiskey voice take us into another commercial break with her cool singing.

Heather returns yet again and what is she wearing? That’s far too much coat and a truck load of spangles. She must have become a psychic reader since we last saw her but I cannot otherwise explain this outfit. Good idea, VH1, let’s review the drink in the face scene. Oh, even better, let Heather and Daisy share a couch. What’s up with Daisy’s skunk hair? Since when can Daisy speak like coherent sentences???

Daisy was upset about the lingerie store date because while she’s made great strides, Daisy still does not own the vocabulary skills that will allow her to say that Bret objectified her. She’s also pissed that on the last night in Mexico Bret took advantage of her by sleeping with her. Then Heather is calling her a whore and they fight which is so amusing because ultimately, they are both runners up in this mess. OMG, Daisy cleverly called Heather Stevie Nicks which inevitably dissolves into a hair pulling cat fight. Wow. Strippers are viscous.

Post commercial break, Daisy returns and we have to relive Ambre’s win. I hate her bangs but I’m glad that her hair is now one color. Bret almost eliminated Ambre because he thought that she was on the phone with a boyfriend on the first night. Thank goodness for karma and fate interfering because life would not be right had Bret not had been able to add Ambre to the ‘contestants with whom I had sex’ list.

Bret saw Ambre after the show wrapped, which is totally against the rules of any dating show on TV. If I find out that there’s gonna be a ROL 3, I swear, I’m going to throw my television from the roof of my apartment building.

Amber thinks that Bret can be faithful despite being on the road and the groupies. Are those new boobies? Are her answers rehearsed? So – looks like Bret and Ambre are going to date. Okay…

So that was boring. Perhaps had I had some backstage access, I would have been far more entertained. I mean, no Stupid Megan? I needed more comments from the Aubry peanut gallery. I needed more of – anything.

After all of that, the only question that remains for me is what will become of my Trantastique?

In the meantime, I thank you for watching with me, but let’s not rule out a third installment of this genius maximus of TV. Do you REALLY think that Mr. Michaels and Ms. Lake will last?

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