The show starts with Tila camera-faking that she is scared and excited that 15 guys and 15 girls are moving into her MTV house and I need to know how much she gets paid for this.
Why do they all sleep in one bed? I would kill myself with all of the random breathing and feet and gross.
Brittany doesn’t want “a male genital” in her face in the morning. I’m guessing that she thinks that testicles don’t come in pairs. Chad brought a blow up doll with him like the cool person that he is and there’s a bar in the room. That’s what was missing.
Tila re-emerges and how many outfits per episode will she go through?
Oh, God, there is a casino set up in the house because she wants someone with nerves of steel. Can you ask them to do something that could potentially injure them or actually demonstrate that they can be cool under pressure? I don’t think that drinking and gambling are much of a stretch for this bunch.
Tila pulls one of the Jersey girls out for one on one time and Kyle is creepy and following them. Well, they find it creepy. Come stalk me, Kyle.
These people get tested as part of the casting process, right? Because Sirbrina and Tila are making out and Tila might have officially made out with all 30 contestants and we’re 10 minutes into the second episode. Creepy Kyle makes his way back in post-make out and Tila actually won’t kiss him when he tries. Wow, since when do you have standards?
So then Tila brings dice to play craps – in this game, people have roll the dice and whatever piece of clothing comes up has to be removed. The last guy and girl with clothes on win Tila time.
Jersey Lisa is wearing boxers and she reminds me of Toni from Paradise Hotel except without the crazy. Kristy from Yonkers won for the girls. George who reminds me of Mark Consuelos and Erik Estrada’s love child won for the guys.
The winners go to a fake club set up in the house and I would rather watch these people strip than try to talk. Thankfully, everyone else busts in – and Samantha scurried up the pole faster than I’ve seen anyone do it EVER. Dude, she’s a pro.
The police show up – who called, one of the interns on set who couldn’t take watching it either? I don’t believe that the neighbors called. And Jay from Jersey has to represent and — Tila starts trying to feel up the fat cop to get out of the ticket and I can’t believe that I’m watching this show.
Tila cuts out for the night so everyone else stays up to continue the party. Bo touches Kristy’s ass and then he slams her against the wall with a pillow. He’s walking around in red bikini briefs and I can’t hear what they’re saying because it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in days. You’ve degraded yourself enough by being on this show but walking around like that brings you to an all new low. I hope that your students don’t see this, Mr. High School Football Coach.
The next day, there’s a recovery room for everyone with an oxygen bar and food. George/Ponch reflects on his mom – it was her birthday and she died when he was ten. I’d have sympathy for you, but I can’t because I know what you look like in only shorty shorts, a bow tie and a tray.
Relaxation time ends after a food fight and some bitter words exchanged and Tila and another outfit are waiting for everyone outside for another stupid game. One guy and one girl enter a vault; girls grab pink cash, boys grab pink and the three biggest bread winners get a date. The date’s in a hot tub, which I think is a bad idea. Diseases just fester in there and look at how might be going in.
V, Fame and Brittany, hater of man genital, win. Ponch got $5. Tila says that she can’t even shop at the dollar store with that. Um, yes you can. You can buy five things if they don’t charge tax.
As I watch them in the hot tub, I stare a pencil on my desk and wonder what it would feel like to stick it in my eye or ear just a little bit. When I turn back to the TV, Brittany and Tila in her bikini are making out. Haaaaaaa! Fame interrupts their make out with her subpar singing.
Right before eliminations, Tila, wearing a different outfit, learns from Mr. Ripa that he was having a rough time remembering his mom and it messed with his game.
Tila always says “I have a lot to think about.” It must hurt her, all of that thinking.
Eliminations! Send home two and end my misery. Tila’s in another new dress.
It all comes down to Kyle, Fame, Lisa and Christian.
Fame gets sent home because “this isn’t ‘American Idol’” and Lisa is in.
Christian gets sent home for drinking too much and Kyle is given another opportunity to stalk Tila.
Next time: “Your mother’s a bleeping bleep.” Indeed.