Yelling At The Internet: A Beginner’s Guide

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You, dear reader, are no doubt a person of many and varied opinions. But, like many of us, you may find that life doesn’t offer you enough opportunities to share those opinions with strangers. We have the solution! Did you know that you can inflict your views on an audience of thousands, simply by commenting on the internet?

Yes, it’s true. By commenting on any given blog post, you can preserve your thoughts for history, whilst simultaneously impressing your peers. Yet it’s not as easy as one might think. In order to really stand out on the internet, you must follow these simple rules.

1: Use emoticons. If you don’t include a smiley face, how will people know that you’re smiling? After all, it’s not as if you can use words to convey emotion.

2: You are a person of passionate conviction – conviction which you must convey to your audience. We’ve already established that language is useless. SO JUST TYPE IN ALL CAPS.

3: Spelling and grammar are, respectively, boring and useless. Use acronyms, and abbreviate! The letter “r” sounds just like the word “are,” and takes less time to type, making it an all-around bargain.

4: Last, and most important, don’t take sass. You’re here to make a point, not to listen! Don’t weaken your argument by citing facts or justifying your position, and never – for the love of God, never – thoughtfully consider opposing perspectives. It only makes you look like a wuss.

Now, let’s apply these tactics to a common blogging scenario. Let’s say that one of your favorite bloggers has posted an entry about trees: the way they transform carbon into oxygen, the shade they provide in summer, and so on. This person is in favor of trees! As a novice commenter, you might be tempted to reply with something like this:

I’m convinced that there is no better friend than a tree. I can recall many a gay hour spent lollygagging beneath an oak. Delightful!

You would be WRONG. Aside from the fact that you apparently write like a 19th-century fancypants, your comment has none of the punch and vigor Internet readers enjoy. It can, however, be saved. Let’s start by cutting unnecessary words:

I’m convinced that there is no better friend than a tree. I can recall many a gay hour spent lollygagging beneath an oak. Delightful!

Shorter already – and far more to the point. Put it all in GLORIOUS CAPS, and you have this:

THAT TREE R GAY LOL

Success! You have commented on the internet. Surely, your wit and insight will entertain the blog’s readers for years to come. Best of all, everyone now knows how you feel about trees. Srsly, trees: WTF?

LOL.

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