Why I’m Single: The Uncle Jesse Syndrome

Everywhere I go, I see couples of all shapes and sizes. I’m no Supermodel, but I’m not a total trainwreck either; I’m literate, have seen “Iron Man” at least six times, and shower almost everyday. So why isn’t anyone spooning with me?
After analyzing all of my failed attempts into coupledom, I realized it’s not me doing something wrong–it’s every guy I’ve ever been with: they never meet my standards. But what are my standards? Two words: have mercy!
…Okay, two more: Uncle Jesse.
That’s right, Uncle Jesse is my dream man. The Prince Charming to my Cinderella, the McDreamy to my Dr. Grey, the Richard Gere to, well, everybody’s mom.
John Stamos’ portrayal of Uncle Jesse on the sitcom “Full House” entered my life at the young and impressionable age of literally the day I was born. I mean, it’s kind of weird to say that he shot me into puberty before I was out of diapers, but since I could process emotions, I’ve known who the man for me is.
Why waste time on the frat guy with premature male-pattern baldness in Philosophy 101, or the dude with those cheese whiz-stained pants that used to live on my floor? I’m still a young sprite, and am in no rush to lower my standards, thankyouverymuch.
Here are the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is the reason I’m still single:
5) He’s the ultimate Family Man. When he wasn’t being the most supportive and loving uncle to DJ, Steph and Michelle, he was being the only dad that actually deserves the “World’s Greatest Dad” mug on Father’s Day. He was always there for his family when they needed him, and most of all: he enjoyed being there.
4) Have you seen his hair? The fact that he has a gorgeous face and perfect bod doesn’t even matter, because his hair is outstanding. So thick, so luxurious, so…anti-bald. It’s literally the type of fictional hair that Walt Disney created for all of his movie princes.
3) He’s a musician. And often sings with The Beach Boys. Who doesn’t like the freakin’ Beach Boys? Every time he was onstage at the Smash Club, my heart went all a’flutter and junk. That soothing voice…those 6 chords from Heaven…um, I need a minute to myself, sorry.
2) Phew, back. More on #3 though: he’s the type of bad boy every girl dreams of–with the good guy heart of gold beneath that leather jacket. He’s this bad-ass rocker that you can totally take home to Mom. After rocking out onstage and fending off hoards of groupies, he comes home to play the kids a lullaby: ad-or-able!
1) This video. Everything about this video explains why I love him…maybe minus that one foot-shaking scene; that was kind of weird.
[Editor’s Addition: while searching YouTube for ‘John Stamos’, I happened upon THIS gem. You know you’ve always wanted to see Uncle Jesse in a risque tuxedo doing naughty things…]
I know Uncle Jesse is just a fictional character. But with over 6 billion people on this planet, at least one of them has to be a guy with a guitar, a heart and a great head of hair, and I’m willing to wait “forever” to find him.
Now that I’ve let you into the deepest parts of my soul, it’s your turn: who is your Prince Charming?

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