The Play of My Life: Bad Pickup Lines From One Annoying Mothaf*cka

Living in New York City is great. And I mean that. I’ve been here for the last six or seven years, and before that I lived in nearby Long Island (with frequent visits into Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island to visit my family, and sometimes Manhattan to take in a show or go to a museum).
The problem is not living in New York City. The problem is living in New York City AND being a girl.
For some reason, this is THE city of catcalls and bad pick-up lines. It doesn’t matter what you look like, who you are–if you have (or even might have) a hooha, you’re gonna be harassed.
So now, for your reading pleasure, I’d like to present you with a scene from last night in My Life As A Girl In NYC.
This is verbatim. I kid you not.
Enjoy.
(10pm Thursday night. After four hours of tech rehearsal at a local theater, SARA, 23, heads up to Union Square, where she sits down on the steps to wait for her BOYFRIEND, 26.
To Sara’s left sit two HIPSTERS. Sara casually witnesses a seemingly NEW JERSEY GUY in a douchey leather jacket ask them for a cigarette.
Sara goes back to waiting. But something is wrong. Sensing this, she turns around to find Jersey Guy and his two JERSEY FRIENDS staring at her. And Jersey Guy is pointing right at her. Sara quickly turns back around.
But it’s too late. Jersey Guy approaches, unlit cigarette in hand.)
JERSEY GUY: I just wanted to say thanks for looking all pretty.
SARA: Thanks.
JERSEY GUY: No, thank you. If I couldn’t watch you look all pretty, what would I do?
SARA (referencing his unlit cigarette): Smoke?
JERSEY GUY (making what he thinks is a cute little gesture but which is actually quite disturbing): Say, “You’re smokin’.”
SARA (unenthusiastically, hoping he’ll go away): “You’re smokin’.”
(They stare at each other for a moment, Jersey Guy grinning.)
SARA: Oh, I get it.
JERSEY GUY: Hahahahah!
SARA (intonation a la Daria): You’re clever.
JERSEY GUY (reaching to shake hands): I’m Noah.
SARA (not taking his hand): I’m waiting for my boyfriend.
JERSEY GUY (not missing a beat): Does your boyfriend cook?
SARA (now genuinely starting to get annoyed): Yeah.
JERSEY GUY: Do you think he can make us breakfast?
(Jersey Guy makes a little baZING motion. Sara looks away.
After a moment, Jersey Guy realizes Sara is not going to look back. He retreats to his friends.
Sara’s Boyfriend shows up two minutes later and he and Sara go home.
FIN.)

Nude Vacays…Um, No Thank You.
Nude Vacays…Um, No Thank You.
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