Living Lohan, Ep 1: Mommy Will Fix it

I have been eagerly anticipating the premier of the Lohan reality show since Perez announced it a few months ago. Monday’s premier more than exceeded my expectations. I’m sorry about the delay, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that I had absorbed all that I could from this trainwreck collision of Kardashiantics, Real World-esque shouting matches and Girls Next Door intelligence. The show, in a word, is brilliant. In two words, it is brilliantly horrible. Enjoy.
The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.
In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody.
We are then introduced to Nana (who I’m also OBSESSED with.) She tells us how even “the Nana’s are not exempt” from the paparazzi. This makes me hate them even more, especially when I learn that they also upset Nana Lohan’s dogs. That’s just effed up.
Finally, Dina starts to talk about the supposed star of the show, Ali. Perez and I both agree that Ali is merely wallpaper. Ali has a record record with the Maloof mega-entrepreneurs of Palms fame. Cody thinks it’s great that Ali is following her dreams, but he doesn’t want to deal with the paparazzi again. My heart melts for him.
Ali lays in bed with Alexis, talking about how excited she is for her second (really?) album. She explains that her label is sending her stuff she’s not really into though (aka: appropriate stuff). She previews some techno-pop sounding tracks that she loves from a producer named Jeremy (clips are shown of a poor man’s Scott Storch). She briefly describes Jeremy as a producer who hounded her mom to listen to his semi-decent tracks for months, but now she loves everything he sends her. Read: she has a HUGE 14 year old crush on this guy.
Then Dina comes home to unpack the groceries (she shops for groceries?), Ali says she doesn’t want to eat what her dogs eat…beef jerky. Anyways, Ali complains about hating all the songs that the label sent her, Dina promises that Mommy will fix everything. Creepy.
Monologue on why Dina thinks that the crazies at Maloof are being rude for telling Ali what 14-year-olds should listen to (not techno, I guess). Ali gets to talk to the mogul with mom on speaker phone and gives them typical teen attitude about why she doesn’t want to sing their songs… songs that she–as an artist– doesn’t listen to or believe in. Dina refuses to jam a bad record down Ali’s throat and turns up the heat on the poor woman trying to explain to her that her daughter is a 14-year-old adolescent, not her 30 year old BFF. (Her negotiation skills here are pretty impressive, she even makes me feel bad about trying to undermine Ali’s “voice”). She then casually brings Jeremy into the equation (NOOOOO!) and tells label lady that she’ll call her back tomorrow after Jeremy has come to Chateau Lohan.
So Jeremy arrives, Dina gives kisses, the birds sing, bells ring, he’s still wearing the Scott Storch glasses. Together, they go over all of Ali’s new tracks and Storch 2.0 makes love to the camera, praying that Kanye West is watching or whatever. Ali comes home and hugs Jer Bear (he keeps his hands very appropriately above her shoulders I note. So far so good). The music listening begins again and Jeremy explains the nuances and classifications of modern hip hop. Ali explains that her and Jeremy (Ali’s horrendous grammar, not mine) get along well because they like the same music.
She attempts to learn the lyrics and sounds really excited about how great her track with Jeremy is gonna be. She feels like she’s known him long enough to really trust him. FORESHADOWING!
Cut to the next morning, Alexis is doing her “morning duties”, which consist of blogrolling, checking Page Six, Perez and the like while accomplishing absolutely nothing worthwhile (that sounds a lot like my morning duties, actually.) She and Dina stumble upon Lindsay’s post-rehab sextape thing. Ali walks in, Dina quickly closes the incredibly inappropriate window so that her child will not be scarred for life. Oh wait, no she doesn’t.
Ali laughs awkwardly then Dina calls Linds to make sure the tape isn’t actually her. Apparently, the tape isn’t real. Dina reams out someone on the phone and tells them to take down the picture or there will be legal action. Smart move, she doesn’t want Cody and Ali exposed tot his garbage (too late.)
Jeremy plays some b-ball with Cody (Stay away from him!) And Cody asks if Jeremy will be joining the fam in Vegas, Jeremy says “Yea, he thinks so” (Of course he does). Cody disses Jeremy (hahaha) and then Uncle Jeremy takes on babysitting duty.
The trio goes rock climbing while Dina is at a boring dinner party. Ali explains that she is trying very hard to be just like big sis, “look like her, dress like her act like her.” Wow. Cody says more adorable things and Jeremy poses sketchily and pretends he’s Jay Z.
The next morning, Dina has Alexis Google her name (because she is the most important Lohan) to see what the tabs have dragged in. SCHOCKER! There’s an article quoting Jeremy on being close to the family, dating Lindsay and all his producing ventures. S#!t hits the fan. Dina thinks she needs to have a heart to heart with him as an adult (I don’t know if she’s the person to do this.) Nana Lohan disapproves and defers comment.
So Jeremy rings the doorbell, Ali ushers him upstairs to grill him. She surprises me with how much maturity she shows while demanding his explanation–he comes off like a lying bastard and you can SEE him sweat when Ali yells at him to stop looking around the room like he’s lying (she’s been reading her Cosmo!) He lamely tries to explain that it’s “press”, but is stunned into silence when Ali gives him a reality check : Lindsay doesn’t know who you are, she doesn’t even know what you looks like. Get it Ali!
The episode and Jeremy’s trial are to be continued, and the rest of the season looks FAMAZING.
My predictions: Nana Lohan writes a tell all book ghost written by Michael Lohan. Ali will follow almost exactly in Ashlee Simpson‘s footsteps, but with a brief stint in rehab and an even more public and embarrassing lip syncing scandal. Cody will instantly turn 25 overnight and marry me. Dina will continue to be as fabulous as ever, invent extensions that grow naturally after attached, realize that she simply is not destined to be a mother and land a lead role on Law & Order: Zimbabwe.

No, I Don’t Think You Can Dance. Period.
No, I Don’t Think You Can Dance. Period.
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