Sex Diaries: The Sleepy, Sore, and Sunburned Girlfriend

[Editor’s Note: New York Magazine does these Sex Diaries that are sometimes cool, sometimes lame. Sometimes they’re interesting portrayals of every day life, and sometimes they make it seem like EVERYONE in New York City is having copious amounts of crazy sex — which isn’t always the case, btw. What would happen, I wondered, if some of CC’s writers blogged about their sex life for a week? Would it be cooler? Funnier? More believable?

Let’s see…]

DAY ONE

7:05 a.m. Boyfriend wakes me up to kiss me before he goes to work, like he does every morning. Like every morning, I feel guilty about my morning breath, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

3:45 Boyfriend comes home early and suggests a quickie.

3:46 Boyfriend catches my unenthusiastic response and tells me never mind. I feel awful, as I do every time I turn him down, but I’ve been cleaning all day without a shower and I had just finished an hour of wii fit so I was sore. I promise him that I’ll make it up to him later that night.

1:22 a.m. Come home from seeing a friend’s band play. Still too sore and tired for sex, so I offer him a blow job as soon as we get home.

1:23 He tells me, and I quote, “I’m okay right now, but thanks”. I wonder if I am ever supposed to get to a point in a relationship where I don’t take these things personally. I need to let it go.

2:33 Boyfriend tries to have sex, but I’m absolutely exhausted. I roll over to take one for the team, so to speak, but boyfriend again tells me never mind. I start to get angry now because I feel like he’s having a hissy fit.

DAY TWO

8:10 a.m. Boyfriend wakes up like nothing happened the night before to tell me about the dream he just had.

8:12 I tell him about the horrific dream I had, that we had a baby. To the baby’s credit, he was remarkably well behaved. His name was Malcolm (after Malcolm McDowell) and it turns out at the end of the dream, that we were just being tested to see if we were fit parents and we failed. Angela Bassett came and took little Malcolm back to the baby factory and I was sad.

11:45 a.m. We finally do have sex, doggie-style behind an open window in our bedroom. Boyfriend has discovery fantasies, and likes people to watch. I don’t, but having sex in front of a window seems harmless enough, so I humor him.

DAY THREE

8 a.m. Wake up not as sore and up for some morning nookie but boyfriend is still asleep

10:00 Boyfriend is still asleep so I look up some internet porn, but it’s too early for me to be too especially into it.

NOON Boyfriend is still asleep so I put in Pride and Prejudice for a little literary porn.

1:00 p.m. Boyfriend is awake, but I don’t feel like having sex anymore

8:12 Finally feel like having sex after watching a documentary called Sex With Strangers. I even sort of feel like having sex with a stranger, the documentary makes it sound like a hoot.

8:23 Have a mid-cunnilingus conversation about trying a foursome, but quickly realize that I’m not quite that well adjusted.

8:45 I go down on him and then we have sex in our recliner in the living room (again, discovery fantasies) me on top.

DAY FOUR

11 a.m. Enjoying day off from work by floating down the river

1 p.m. Covertly feel boyfriend up underwater. He reminds me that the river is freshwater and thusly very cold, but I don’t mind.

6:00 Get home to realize that we are both sunburned within an inch of our lives, thus ruining any chance of anything sexual for a couple of days at least

6:30 As physical contact is too painful, I get to touch boyfriend only when I rub aloe on his back, chest, and arms.

9:30 Fall asleep on totally different sides of the bed, miserable, with only our hands touching.

Day FIVE

7:15 a.m. Wake up to a morning kiss. I feel like someone has barbequed me. No nooky today. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

8:30 Have to wear the only dress that doesn’t irritate my sunburn to work. Which just happens to show off my sunburned boobs to perfection.

10:00 Wonder if the IT guy that just walked by was gawking at my lobster suit or my huge red boobs.

5:30 p.m. Boyfriend gets home and we kiss without touching any parts of our bodies. I rub him down with aloe a la sensual massage and give him some ibuprofen. He rubs me down very slowly and then bites my earlobe and I curse the sun and my nearly-albino skin.

DAY SIX

9 a.m. I start to feel a lot better, think about surprising boyfriend with a blowjob when he gets home.

3:30 p.m. Work is driving me crazy so I go home early and masturbate. Decide that I’m definitely going to jump boyfriend when he gets home.

5:00 I feel achy and crappy again, but its been a couple of days since we’ve been intimate so I decide to brave it and definitely surprise boyfriend with a blow job.

6:00 Boyfriend comes home after awful day and his sunburn has made him all itchy, so I doubt he wants blow job.

1 a.m. Boyfriend’s sunburn itch is now unbearable, so I wake up and run to the pharmacy to get him an antihistamine.

1:20 a.m. I spray him down and he feels better almost immediately. He mumbles something about how much he loves me and that I’ve saved his life and falls asleep.

DAY SEVEN

8:30 a.m.-Wake up, decide to skip out on work today and look up shirtless pictures of Mike Rowe. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

9:00 Decide that if I’m not going go to work, that I should spend day more constructively, so I turn on Dirty Jobs while I clean and do some writing

11:30 Wonder with some alarm if my new celebrity obsession means I’m in to older men.

11:31 Realize that I’ve never dated or slept with a younger man (to my knowledge, at least)

5:30 Boyfriend gets home, and I give him a quick sweaty kiss while I‘m playing wii fit.

8:30 Too sore from Wii Fit to have sex

10:00 Fall asleep at a pathetically early hour while watching Dirty Jobs.

Totals: one act of masturbation, one act of fellatio, one act of cunnilingus, two acts of attempted fellatio, two acts of intercourse, one act of underwater petting.

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