magnifier menu chevron-left chevron-right chevron-down

Living Lohan Ep 2: Burning Down the House

||

We pick up where last week’s episode left off, with Ali drilling Jeremy for an explanation for his bizarre online interview. The argument sounds like thousands I’ve heard my drunk friends have with their long distance boyfriends via cell phone. I listen to Ali and Jeremy run around in circles until Ali reads something of interest from the article: “I wanna marry Lindsay”…I want to marry your sister. Ali says that Jeremy has told her this in person as well. Um, and that didn’t tip you off that he was USING YOU?!?!

Whatever, Ali’s pissed because Jeremy has a crush on Lindsay and not her. Jeremy’s probably pissed because Lindsay has a crush on Samantha Ronson and not him.

Their fight concludes (or is postponed) freaking finally. Ali says she doesn’t trust anyone but her family anymore (not what you said last week.) And goes to her wise and showbiz weary mother for advice.

Dina explains that “we all make mistakes” (especially her–although I don’t know if you can consider raising trainwrecks mere mistakes). She gives a small lesson in Tabloid Manipulation 101 and tells Ali that “they’ll just have to educate him,” which sounds very creepy Scientologist.

Jeremy enters the house while Dina and Ali chat in the kitchen. He doesn’t knock or anything, just breezes right in. Dina then begins to mediate Ali and Jeremy’s argument.

Dina tells Jeremy he is an innocent victim, that the press will manipulate anything and everything that you say, so you have to learn how to manipulate them (Again, I am pleasantly surprised by Dina’s shrewd and sly admittance that she is the queen of using the press as her own tool. It doesn’t make it right for her to exploit her children, but it does prove that she is the original master of manipulation. Screw You Speidi). Dina tells Jeremy they still love him. Ali tells him he’s an amazing “musician”. I spit diet ginger ale all over my computer at this comment. Jeremy says he doesn’t have parents?

Ali kisses (not literally, thank god) and makes up with Jeremy. Dina takes it upon herself to be Jeremy’s moral comapss. Oye Vey.

Dina sits down with Jeremy in the kitchen to explain, once again, that she is the Pai Mei of P.R. because she learned the ropes the hard way. Apparently the hard way is by starring as an extra in all of Lezlo’s films, bitterly feuding in public, and using her daughter’s personal troubles as fodder for US Weekly. Jeremy says that he “punk’d” the press by letting them believe that he may or may not be dating Lindsay. Ugh, he is worming his way out of this and Dina is laughing it off! Jeremy it will take a lot more for you to redeem yourself in my eyes.

Dina tells Jeremy she’s using him for his music. Yeah, keep believing that.

Later that evening, Dina makes the cover of some random local magazine. This is obviously a huge deal and Dina is going to a big ol’ party for herself the magazine. Ali tells her mom she’s dressing like a ho. Dina tells Ali that Stella Mcartney hates her, and ignores Ali’s desperate attempts to inform her mother that it is much too cold for her to wear her cougar skanksuit out. If only Cody were there. He would reason with Di.

Codeman and Ali are left in the care of Dina’s niece, and Mommy Dearest sets off on a night of champagne fueled shmoozing (which, Dina dearest, I find nothing wrong with).

In the car on the way to the party, Nana Lohan criticizes Dina’s thinly veiled attempts to achieve stardom through her innocent children. Dina denies pushing Ali at all to be famous. Some lady assures Nana that Ali is nothing like Lindsay, she just wants to do everything she does, in the exact same manner that Linds has done it.

Sorry Nana and random passenger, I’m 100% on Dina’s side for this battle. Ali clearly and repeatedly declares that her dearest ambition is to be just like Linds. Which is cute, because at the end of the day all she is is a 14 year old girl who wants to be like her famous and beautiful big sis. However, at the beginning of the day, Ali is a trained circus dog in full makeup who is aspiring to be a once promising and talented starlet turned wierdo.

At the party, Dina flirts with Jeremy (why is he everywhere?!?!) and introduces him to her contacts while he is starstruck by overly Botoxed Long Island Moms.

Ali comes home in full make up, looking like she’s 24, and smells something “funky” (this loaded statement has so many opportunities for sarcastic exploration that I cannot choose just one. No comment) before having her cousin call the fire department. Cody opens the gate and lets the fire department onto the property. He is, after all, the man of the family.

Dina continues rubbing elbows with the rich and (I’m sure according to them) famous. Ali attempts to get in touch with her momager, but Dina is much too busy hobnobbing to be concerned about the safety of her clients children.

We cut back to the Lohan property. The paramedics are taking Ali’s blood pressure because her throat hurts. Ok? Cody finally gets in touch with some moustached man who tells Dina that the fire department is at her house. Of course it’s Cody who saves the day, that dashing hero of mine. She (finally) calls Ali, who says that everything is fine, the outlet in the wall was just on fire.

Uh, that’s “FINE”??

Dina says that the children handled it well so she doesn’t need to come home (thank God) she contemplates how horrible it would have been if the tabloids got a hold of this. Um, what if your house burnt down with your children inside of it?? Wouldn’t that have been like, not good? She kisses her sleeping kids good night (that was actually sweet) and mutters some BS about how “the one night she goes out” this happens.

The next day, Dina and Alexis move a couch out of the way and call an electrician to fix the smoldering outlet. Jeremy questions Dina’s judgement for leaving live wires out in the open (Ok so even he’s not that retarded.) Ali plays with the live wires while Jeremy urges her not to. If she gets electrocuted, he’s in big trouble. (No more record deal!!)

The electrician tells Dina that she’s very lucky. I chuckle at this. Alexis is now appointed as fire safety marshal, prints escape routes and orders escape ladders for the bedrooms. Dina browses an online escort service–oh, nevermind, it’s the NYPD’s Annual calendar– to contribute her expertise to her family’s safety. I am puzzled as to how this is relevant.

As the day winds down, the house is secure again and no more fire scares hide behind unsafe outlets.

The family walks Jeremy out to the gate. I get this eerie sense that Jeremy is part decent producer, part wannabe wierdo, part hanger-on/famewhore, and part imaginary son to Dina. I recall again the mysterious “I don’t have parents” comment. Hmm.

Dina says “Love you baby, see you in Vegas!” to Jeremy, who still hasn’t been hit by a bus, despite my fervent wishing, and retreats back to her lair. Only time will tell me if Dina’s judge of character is either far superior or far far far worse than my own, regarding Jeremy. I have and idea of which one it is though.

Stay tuned for next week: Ali gets cyber/ text bullied and covered in a mysterious white substance from head to toe.

COLLEGECANDY Writer