An Open Letter to the Hogans

hogansDear Hulk Familia,

Please, please go away.

I’m not asking much. I’m just really tired, Hogans. I’m really, really tired of seeing your creepy mugs (and arms and abs…Linda, cover it up!) all over the place, doing and saying more ridic things by the minute.

So, like, two years ago, you were happily filming VH1’s Hogan Knows Best. You seemed like a normal enough family. Hell, that was the whole premise.

And then, It Began.

First there was the separation. Linda and Hulk, I thought you guys were forever! Well, frankly, I was sorry to hear it. I felt bad for you that things had gone awry.

Then Nick got in an accident. At the tender age of 17, he had his first precious DUI.  Not only that, but he managed to take out his best friend, putting him into a lifetime coma. It is a very sad story. However, Nick didn’t seem to feel bad for his friend at all. In fact, he has been too busy whining about jail and how awful it is. Yes, jail is horrible. That’s the idea. Don’t drive drunk and ruin your friend’s life.

But, look, he’s a kid. Not only that, he’s a celeb kid. I figured maybe he just needed a little tough love.

But then – THEN – Linda, you said you had it worse than the other boy’s mom! Your son is in jail for a few months, Lin. The other boy will never recover. I can’t even believe you thought it, no less said it out loud for all the world to hear.

And then (Hulk) some remarks were made about this situation making both Nick and the other boy better people! Honey. HONEY. THE OTHER BOY WILL NEVER RECOVER. And it’s not his fault Nick was driving a bajillion miles an hour with alcohol in his system. How is he benefiting from this situation at all?

In the meantime, Hulk finds himself applying sunscreen to his daughter’s private parts, all while dating little Brookey’s doppleganger, Jennifer McDaniel. Hulky! Why are you perving on your offspring?! Haven’t you got enough trouble?

And Linda is dating a 12-year-old. Okay, fine, he’s 19. But he also happens to be a former classmate of Brooke and Nick’s, just one grade below B and one above N.

And, yes, that’s gross, but Brooke! How can you speak out against your mom like that and then add a passive-aggressive assertion of support? Brooke, you haven’t done anything that wrong. You’re certainly the least offensive of the Hogan bunch right now, and, frankly, that scares me, because, you attempted to make it as a pop star.

In conclusion, you’re all terribly frightening and I wish you’d go away.

Also, please stop with the buffed out Aryan gig. We get it already.

Love and pleas for mercy,

Sara

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