Exercise + Danger = Fun: The Joys of City Biking

Fact: exercise is boring. I know, I know: it clears your mind, gives you an endorphin high, keeps you from dying young, and so on. Still, at the end of the day, you’ve wasted valuable whiskey money on a gym membership so that you can run for hours on a treadmill that takes you, by my latest calculations, nowhere.
This is why I like bicycles. They actually take you places – useful! – while providing you with the toned leg muscles and mighty forearms of a god. Also, if you ride in the city, biking can totally kill you. That’s always exciting.
I’ve just started biking in New York. This weekend, I rode from 125th Street to the South Ferry. That’s right: I traversed pretty much the entire island of Manhattan. You may all bask in my accomplishment now. (Note: I am aware that some people ride much harder, and for much longer distances, than I have. I don’t want to hear from them! Get your own blogs, hippies.)
By the end of the trip, I was sweaty and exhausted, I looked like hell, and I was riding a wave of pure giddy euphoria. This, for those keeping score, makes biking exactly like sex, except for the fact that your bike can’t give you chlamydia. I highly recommend it.
Here are some tips.
Things That Will Help You
Water! It’s summer. You’re going to sweat in ways and from places you never imagined possible. Stop when you need to, and when it’s practical, and drink some water, so that you don’t collapse.
Helmets! There are lots of ways to die on your bike. (This is part of the appeal for you, remember? You are a badass.) Keep a helmet on, and it’s marginally less likely that you will die from a head wound. Key word: marginally.
Ugly Clothes! Your skinny jeans are not a good choice for biking. Nor are heels. Nor are skirts. Nor are shoes with laces (they will tangle around your pedals and mess you up). Wear shorts, Vans, a tank top. Look at pictures of Starbuck for inspiration. In fact: look at pictures of Starbuck, period. It never gets old. The woman fights Cylons! You can definitely face the modern-day equivalents of Cylons, which are cabs.
Friends! It’s good to ride with someone who has more experience than you do. They can show you the ropes and point out what you could be doing better. They will also make you feel ashamed to puss out and ride more slowly, more fearfully, or for a shorter distance than you really want to. Shame: the key to accomplishment!
Common Sense! Keep your eyes on the road. Analyze the obstacles that are ahead of you, and the obstacles that may arise. Keep your ears open, too, so that you can hear things coming up behind you. The best way to avoid danger is to see it coming, and steer clear of it.
So, my darlings: if you keep these things in – HOLY CRAP A CAB – in mind, as I said, you will – WATCH THE DAMN ROAD – you will stay safe and – KEEP YOUR KID OUT OF THE INTERSECTION DICKWIPE – enjoy your time – ROLLERBLADES? WHO THE HELL HAS ROLLERBLADES? – biking in the city. I hope.
WATCH THE BUS!
[PHOTO 1: This girl is not wearing ugly clothes! Danger! Courtesy of backcountry.com]
[PHOTO 2: An artist’s representation of how far I biked. Did I mention, that, by biking, you can help to save the planet? That’s right. Bask in the glory. Courtesy of fas.org]

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