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The National Texting Championships- Coming to a Town Near Hell?


In the tradition of the Thumb Wrestling Championships, the World Rock Paper Scissor Tournament and the National Beer Pong Tournament, we have another contender for the most insignificant and socially irrelevant pseudo-challenge. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up- it’s the National Texting Championships.

I love a fun-spirited competitive romp of cult cultural activities. I’m a thumb wrestling champ and a beer pong aficionado. Many crucial decisions in my life have been decided by a rousing game of rock paper scissors. But I simply must put my foot down with this National Texting Championships.

First of all, it’s sponsored by LG, the phone manufacturer. Secondly, the official rules state that in order to participate in this ‘championship’ game, you must not only own a specified LG device (only four models qualify) but also be a current customer of the Verizon network.

Quite simply, I am growing weary of these corporate conglomerates trying to sell me their products while wrapping them in shrouds concealing their dollar-driven goals. I’m tired of Downy Detergent sending me friend requests via Myspace, and please un-subscribe me from the Clairol Beauty Newsletter. These companies, realizing our eyes are glazed over from the incessant advertising assaults, are trying to find new avenues to snatch our hard-earned consumer cash. Posing as competitions, facebook profiles, articles imbedded with obtuse advertising slants and outdoor cultural events, these corporate advertisers are stealthily sneaking into our world.

Whether its co-opting our culture or riding a trend wave, advertising execs have managed to creep into our subconscious through the power of association. Sponsorship is nothing new- we’ve all rolled our eyes when our favorite concert venue or sports stadium adopts a new corporate-enhanced title. In midtown Manhattan, we had bathrooms sponsored by- I kid you not- Charmin Toilet Tissue. But this new strategy of your friendly multi-billion dollar commercial establishment hits a new low. These media maneuverings are designed solely with backdoor marketing in mind. Does Oreo really need its own YouTube channel?

The National Texting Championships might draw some media attention or a collection of big-eyed and eager contestants who are strangely-proud of their text per minute ratios. I, for one, won’t be participating. I’ll be over here, thumb wrestling for the chance to go next in beer pong.

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