Living Lohan Ep 5: The Road to Vegas is Paved with Lameness

There is nothing more visually exciting and brain numbingly frivolous than the classic E! show Vegas episode. When the Girls Next Door go, I can’t wait to see how underdressed Kendra will be. When the Sunset Tan “ladies” go, I make sure to wear orange. So I’ve been really excited for the Vegas episode(s?) since Dina first discussed it in the first show. Every week since then, I have been taunted by promises of Vegas debauchery (at least I hope so) and yet I still have seen no Vegas. That said, I’m beginning to wonder: will this family actually ever get to Vegas?

This week’s episode, unfortunately but expectedly, was lacking in Vegas. It was chock full of boring-ness though. I got the feeling that the producers wanted to spruce up the season, and added some filler episodes before the big climax. This episode was Baby’s Breath to the bouquet of Living Lohan.

Basically, no one wants to go to Vegas with Ali and Dina. Dina tries to coax excitement out of Cody. She ruthlessly wants to uproot her only responsible child from his busy social life and sports schedule to go party in Las Vegas. She tries bribing Cody with Niketown swag. She tells him of all the fun he’ll have. She finally realizes that he is eleven and she has the upper hand. Cody’s going to Vegas whether he likes it or not.

Nana’s compliance, on the other hand…not so easy to come by. Nana does NOT want to go. She says she has her house and “issues” to take care of. Dina feels that Nana may just be afraid to travel and live her life after the death of her husband of 50 years.

We are introduced to Uncle Paul, who Dina believes can convince Nana to go to Vegas with the family while Ali records her album. Uncle Paul would like to respect Nana’s wishes and offers myriad reasons why it would be Okay for her to stay at home, and he would take care of her. Dina, however, will stop at nothing short of stuffing Nana into a burlap sack to get her to LV.

Dina and Paul corner Nana in the kitchen to try to swindle her into going to Vegas. Dina tries the “You’re so old you forgot that you already agreed to go!” approach. Uncle Paul goes for the “I’m a giant Pansy” tactic and tells Nana that–shocker– it’s up to her if she’d like to go to Vegas. Strike Two on the Nana front.

Michael and Dina go for a stroll around the grounds for a heart to heart. Dina again brings up the point that Nana must come to Vegas with them, even though Nan has refused. Michael’s all depressed because he was an asshat to Nina, his girlfriend (who I have just realized has a creepy-similar name to his mother…Electra complex much?)

Cody and Ali are also disturbed by the turbulence between the couple. They hatch an adorable plan to get Nina and Michael back together (if they even broke up). I’m guessing it’s Ali’s half assed attempt at re-creating Lindsay’s Parent Trap roles.

They call Nina and tell her to head on over to the Lohan estate to work things out with Michael. The youngest Lohans know the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach, and prepare their take on a gourmet meal (toast, candles, disgusting chicken and babypoop colored green beans. Mmm!) They get the couple downstairs to hash out their issues over dins.

The best thing Mike Jr. comes up with is “Thanks for comin’ back.” He drones on about spending more time with his family and she concedes that she should hang out with them more too, her own family be damned. I just hope that’s cranberry juice they’re sipping from their stemware…given the family’s history with underage drinking.

They resolve their issues or whatever, and Michael is thankful to Cody and Ali for helping him out. He’s already explained to Cody that it’s important for him to support Ali in her career, because someday she’ll be there for him, and the Lohan’s look out for each other. That speech was actually adorable, it’s just too bad Dina still doesn’t realize that she needs to support another family member’s choice right now.

The next day, Dina tries, yet again, to get Nana on board for Vegas. Nana brings up her husband, and admits that she hasn’t been the same since he’s died. It’s hard for her to live life on her own, but she has strong ties to the home they created together, and Dina FINALLY realizes that she’s being completely selfish by trying to convince her mother to go somewhere she doesn’t want to be.

When this painfully dull episode comes to a close, the fam sees Mike off as he drives back to school in his…forest green station wagon (even the CARS are boring this week, come on!) To spice things up, Ali is wearing bunny ears. I can’t tell is this is supposed to be ironic or subliminally meaningful. Perhaps she’s just getting in the spirit for…

Next Week:

THEY FREAKING FINALLY GO TO VEGAS GODDAMMIT!

Ali celebrates her 25 15 birthday and whines about recording in Vegas. At the Palms. With the Maloufs. Hmm…

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