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Living Lohan Ep 7: It’s Not You, It’s Your Sh#tty Music

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While settling in for an evening of the shameless self promotion that is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, I grew more and more excited for the return of Jeremy to Living Lohan (coincidentally, I got a double dose of the self promo). As I anticipated seeing his sunken, stubbly cheeks, I wondered if Ali and Dina would remain blinded by the reflection of Jeremy’s aviators, causing them to overlook (again) his shadiness. Finally, Ali calls Jeremy out on his attempts to ride her (very short) coattails.

When he arrives at the Palms, in all his hoodie rocking glory, Jeremy storms into the studio like he owns it (in his delusional post-coke bender world, he probably does.) He wastes no time in bragging to anyone who will listen (the people Dina pays to sit around the studio) about how sick of a producer he is. This is the first of many examples of unprofessional behavior that Jeremy chooses to demonstrate. Big surprise, Jeremy’s shamelessly plugging his shiz on Ali & Dina’s pay. Ali–realizing good ol’ Jer isn’t even in the studio with her, but in another room playing his Garage Band mixes for studio execs rolling their eyes at him– gets an inkling that Jeremy be more concerned with his career than hers. GASP!

After closing his tricked out Myspace page, Jeremy tells Ali it’s important that they not waste any time, as they only have 6 hours in the studio and Jeremy has finished pimping himself out to those who do not care. Ali is visibly upset at her whack producer, and I’ve got to say I’m on her side. Yes, I obviously saw this coming from episode one, but not everyone is blessed with the strong sense of prescience I possess (Ok and the editors made it pretty damn obvious). But Ali seems hurt, confused and betrayed: Jeremy was using her. We’ve all been there.

Ali’s natural reaction to this insult is the kneejerk response of any 14 year old girl– passive aggressive sabotage. Suddenly, she’s just not “feelin'” Jeremy’s tracks. I think this is the music industry equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me.” However, Ali is hesitant to upset Jeremy by telling him his song blows, so she has her vocal coach do it for her… while she sits next to her smirking. After they drag Jeremy away from the camera (he’s been waxing philosophical about his dope beats, Real World Confessional style), they break the news that it just ain’t happening for Ali.

Surprise surprise, Jeremy’s inappropriate behavior continues as he blames Ali for not liking his lame ass song. Their argument gets so heated that Ali storms out of the studio. Jeremy is insulted, but insists that he can go “drop his record” somewhere else.

After he moans and bitches to the entire Studio at the Palms’ staff, Jeremy realizes that Ali has the right to dislike his beats.

He calls Ali to beg for her forgiveness, only to receive the ultimate breakup dismissal: Ali ends this toxic relationship via phone. And she goes the whole 9 yards with “You’re cool and sweet, but it’s just not working out, sorry!” Jeremy, always the epitome of maturity, gets pissed and sulks off down the hallway, hopefully never to return.

Dina, who’s been insisting to us that she does not spend enough time on herself, has just returned from the salon and gym, where she was personally trained by a guy who plays for this team. She also has spent her “me” time attempting to convert Dakota to her immoral ways by introducing him to Hef (whom he politely wishes happy birthday), Holly, Kendra and Bridget. I would like to note that Cody remained the unwavering picture of genteel as he called the Girls “very pretty” and confirms his belief in monogamy (that’s my man!)

Anyways, Dina is slightly dismayed to learn that the recording sesh has gone to Hell in a handbasket during her absence. After all, Jeremy told her it was “gonna be hot” (Incidentally, any guy who speaks like that is absolutely not to be trusted, come on Dina baby!) Nonetheless, Dina says “I told you so” about Jeremy’s sucky song and tells Ali she’ll clean up the mess. I can’t help but wonder if that is the healthiest parenting method, but who am I to question the techniques used to raise future substance abusers and pretend lesbians.

Dina calls Phil Maloof to tell him about the snag that they’ve hit, and tells him “Uh, yea you have a week to find me a new song.” Leaving us all on the edge of our seats to see what happens…

Next Week:

E-man comes back into the studio to pick up the pieces Jeremy left behind and hopefully write Ali a decent track. Everyone seemed pleased with the few he’s already produced, and I am confident that they will sound eerily similar (if not exactly the same).

Cody arranges for Dina a surprise audience of middle aged tourist women for some reason unknown to me. But hey, Cody can do no wrong so I’m sure it will end well. There was also mentioning of Dina’s Rockettes fame, so hopefully we’ll get to experience some cougar high kicking!

COLLEGECANDY Writer