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Flashback: How Not to Date

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Not so long ago, in a fantasyland far, far away called College, I was your average little freshman, running around wide-eyed and ready to meet as many college boys as possible. And, because I went Greek, I pretty much had to find some unsuspecting (i.e., completely suspecting) frat boy to accompany me to winter semiformal.

Somehow, I found the one non-douchey frat boy ever to exist. He was perfect: tall, dark, and beautiful, with a 4.0, perfect teeth, a lot of cute friends, and – the kicker—a self-pact to not drink until he was 21. Which meant there would be no pre-game, just… game. And I had none, because he was that hot.

I’m not entirely sure why he said yes, and I’m not sure why I thought I was even cool enough to ask this guy out, but somehow the transaction occurred and there we were, sitting, soberly, talking for two hours while my friends drunkenly danced and ran around. Ever the gentleman, he took me to pseudo-dinner at 2:30 AM, got his leftovers wrapped and then drove me back to my dorm. And so it was time to say goodnight.

Ever the self-conscious one, I assumed that he wasn’t interested, but had put on a happy face so as not to crush my little freshman dreams. And just as I went to kiss him on the cheek, his mouth landed fully on mine. I was shocked. He hadn’t tried to make a move all night!

So clearly, the normal reaction is to kiss right back and linger a little longer, possibly suggest you get a tour of his house, etc. But no, rather than being caught up in the moment I said, “MUAH.”

Yes. That’s right. Right after he makes his move, the first thing that my body, which must hate me, does, is pucker right back up and say “MUAH.”

SAY. MUAH.

ONTO HIS MOUTH.

To which we both were awkwardly, awkwardly silent for about five seconds until I just got out of the car. With his leftovers that I’d been kindly carrying, without even realizing it until I got in my building.

The happiest day of my college career was when he graduated.

Clearly I’ve learned from this error, but I sincerely hope that you can’t possibly be as dumb as I was. From this point onward, some personal rules I’ve learned to follow:

Even if you’re not confident, fake it. If you’re out with someone, they clearly agreed to be there, and you’re clearly “good enough” for the situation. At least half of the time you’re probably too good. Just like they say in Mean Girls: You’re a regulation hottie. Own it.

If you do have an awkward encounter? Take the high road. Don’t run to avoid people, it’s college and you will definitely run into them again. Just smile, say hi if you blatantly notice each other, and carry on with your evening/life.

Don’t steal leftovers unless it’s something you (or your roommate) like. Otherwise it’s just an unnecessary addition to your already-messy room.

Any other advice on how not to date?

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