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Living Lohan Ep 9: Season Finale

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Oh Living Lohan, I can't believe our brief but tumultuous relationship is coming to an end (or a pause, you see, I'm not quite sure you've been renewed for a second season), but whatever, we've had our highs, our lows and our utterly brain numbing uneventful-s. I cherish our relationship so much, in fact, that I have elected to watch your season finale as opposed to THE PREMIER of Shark Week. I think this speaks volumes about my level of commitment to you. But I can't just let this--us--end, without discussing just how much you and I both have grown, as a blogger, and as a, um, TV show (embarrassing level of attachment much?)

Dina, throughout our relationship I've witnessed the true beauty/sheer terrifyingness of your momma lioness schtick. I've seen you go after those hoping to capitalize on your innocent 14 year old daughter. I've seen you thrust the aforementioned youth into the open arms of said users. But in the end, I know you swear up and down that both of your daughters are hard workers (hospitalizations for "exhaustion" and temper tantrums aside).

This week, you showed me how well you fulfill your role as Momager by springing upon Ali a last minute audition. I'm not sure how I feel about any movie that uses the name "Harry Potter JR" (for realz) for a character. But you allowed your youngest girl to exercise her independence this week! A MAJOR step for a recovering (ish) stage mom. I know you voiced your concern over whether she'll be judged for her natural abilities or her lineage. Nonetheless, you allowed Ali to go all by herself, to go meet the director of the film she's auditioning for. You successfully balance a life of partying with you eldest, raising your youngest, publicizing your private life for profit, and maintaining intricate (to say the least) hair, nails, and bronzer. I raise my (large) glass (of Sutter Home) to you Dina!

Nana, the beacon of truth, wisdom and-- let's face it-- common sense. Your unwavering support in your granddaughters exemplifies the fact that in Grandma's eyes, you can do no wrong. I was so very excited to see the return of Nana in this ep, after all the lewd and lacivious behavior that went down in your absence from Vegas (NOT). It was sweet to hear you call Linsday "composed", and reassuring to watch you accompany Ali on her big audition, even helping her run lines. I just want to let you know, Nana, that had I been born 40 years earlier and had my Mom, you know, not been born to completely different parents, I would totally have been your granddaughter. No prob. And I don't even have a substance abuse problem or a pseudo lesbian publicity plan!

Michael JR. I'm not really sure where you fit in, actually. I feel kind of like you found out this shiz was going down halfway through the season and then decided to drop in for some air time. But whatevs, this fair weather family member quality only adds to your perfectly cultivated essence of Long Island Douche (which, don't get me wrong, I'm totally into. My BF's a Plainview native, no joke!) Granted though, you do fulfill well your role of big bro...well enough to inspire heated jealousy in Dakota!

Which brings me to Cody-- my dear, beautiful, oh so jailbait worth little imaginary boyfriend.

While it starts out innocently enough (supersoaker ambush), it soon escalates into verbal abuse and frosting attacks on Nina, Cody's usurper of brotherly love. Before Michael is forced to choose between booty and bro, Nina capitalizes on Cody's time away from Michael to play a little ball with him. She tries to explain that she'll be an addition to his family, not a...um, subtraction. She promises him she'll never get between him and Michael, kisses him (bish please!) and tells him she loves him. She then brings the good tidings back to Michael, and all is well on the sibling front. Cody, your adorable, witty and spunky character has won my heart. Call me in 12 years. We'll talk.

And last (but sorta kinda least) Ali my dear, beautiful child. I feel like I've vicariously raised you through Ryan Seacrest productions! Well, actually no, because if you were my daughter you'd be less famewhoring and a little more into Limited Too or Camp Rock (no more Miley for my kids, not after this). I wish I could say that I've seen you grow, or that your character arc has increased in maturity, but at the end of the day you're still 14 and hell, you do handle a lot more than most girls your age. (Not once all season did you even go to a JoBro concert.)

Nonetheless, you exhibited the same sporadic maturity/immaturity that you have all season. Yes, you flipped a sh*t when Mom told you she had a script for you to screen test for the next day. But you sped read through that script, even though you were scared and uncomfortable. Not once did you question the awkwardness of rehearsing with your brother while he creepily hit on you (via script, of course.)

And on the day of your audition, even though you began the morning whining in bed, you did eventually go to meet that odd director. Did you question his wardrobe choice (a subtle "TROLLS" shirt, no promo!)? No. Did you squirm during his elaborate description of your character? Only a little. Did you leave immediately when, in regards to your reading, he told you "Make it delicious"? You should have.

But no! You soldiered on. You finished you audition, and as you drove away, the casting director actually chased down the car so Creepy McFacial Hair could tell you that you landed the role. And then, and then, you got your sister ON THE PHONE to say an entire TWO WORDS on the show she refused to appear on. If this doesn't scream success, Aliana, I just don't know what does.

And in the end, Ali's final mix of her first single "All the Way Around" plays to a warm fuzzy montage of some of the seasons key moments. After all we've been through LivLo--after inappropriately small dogs, after cute scheming, after Vegas, after Dina;s stage revival, AFTER JEREMY-- I finally feel like I'm ready to let go...until next season?

COLLEGECANDY Writer