I Love Money: Episode 5 – Don’t Cry for Me, Entertainer

Because our usual I Love Money recapper is enjoying a summer vacay (lucky biatch), I was commissioned to watch and recap the most recent episode of the show. Now, I would just like to say that I watch a LOT of bad TV. A lot. My DVR currently holds too many episodes of What Not To Wear, some reruns of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Engaged and Underage and, of course, True Life, I’m a Staten Island Girl.
Yet, knowing all of that, I am still really embarrassed to have watched the trash also known as, I Love Money.
This show is trashier than The Real World, I Love New York and From G’s to Gents (yes, I have watched one episode of that train wreck) combined. I mean, seriously? Is VH1 for real with this show? There are just a bunch of REALLY dumb, really trashy people living in a house together…and having sex with other people in the room. And the names? Whiteboy? The Entertainer? DESTINEY?
I don’t know if I am watching TV or visiting a strip club.
I am not quite sure of the premise of the show, but I assume it is for all these freaks to try and win some money. And on last night’s episode, that somehow included making themselves cry with the aid of onions, cayenne pepper (that some moron RUBBED INTO HER EYES) and even some girl asking a dude to smack her in the face while her teammate tried (so hard) to be upset that she was away from her son.
Yeah. Seriously.
The Gold team ended up winning the tearjerker, which sent the Green team into a hizzy. I guess they lose a lot? I felt bad for them, especially that dude who has like no nose hairs left because he plucked them all out attempting to tear up.
So, after the competition everyone decides to get completely sh*tfaced and dance around topless throwing food at one another. Meanwhile, some dude is trying to save Destiney (cuz the whole team hates her), but gets mad cuz his brilliant plan doesn’t work.
The Gold captain (Paymaster?) now has some sort of power to take three people out and figure out which one she wants to save. (Note: choosing someone to leave is also called being “bounced.” Like a check? Get it? How cute!) And in attempts to stay in the game, some blonde chick with big boobs tries to make out with her. Toasty (what does that name even mean?) and the three people chosen by the Green team (Destiney, Real and Brandi C.) head out to the beach and go snorkeling.
And there are sharks. But I don’t care about that. I need to know: WHO IS GONNA STAY??? (Notice the sarcasm.)
There is some talking and then Real gets some one-on-one time with Toasty. The conversation did nothing except make me wonder if there is something wrong with that girl. Like, mentally. Is she slow?
Ok, so (finally!) after a load of wasted time watching people fight and stupid commercials, we find out that it’s time for Destiney to bounce. Goodbyyyyyye, Destiney!
And with that, I hate myself. I want that hour of my life back. I want my dignity back. I want everyone at the gym to know that I was only watching that show for work. NOT for pleasure.
Never again. Never.

JC Penny Bastardizes ‘The Breakfast Club’
JC Penny Bastardizes ‘The Breakfast Club’
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