He Said/She Said: Body Hair in the Bedroom

Body hair – for good reason – is a topic not often discussed. For one thing, there are far more interesting topics to talk about (like cupcakes, for example) than the unfortunate sprouting under your arms. For another, what is there really to discuss? It is pretty much understood that body hair needs to go away. End of discussion.

But, being a single woman who happens to be quite lazy when it comes to body hair maintenance, I really needed to know a few things. You see, I have found myself a precarious situation many times; I am invited back to someone’s house, sex is inevitable, but as I take his hand and follow him out to the cab I realize that I haven’t shaved my legs. In 4 weeks.

Is this a deal breaker? Do I tell him? Do I offer a rain check on the (what is sure to be amazing) sex? Do we swing by CVS on the way home to pick up a Quattro?

I asked my resident male advice-giver to give it to me straight. First he looked at me blankly. Then he asked my feelings on beards. Then he had this to say.

He Said:

In America, unlike France and most third world countries, we like our women as hairless as possible. And despite all the time, money and pain that goes into the hair-removal process, women prep themselves daily to avoid the humiliation of being caught in public with even a few wispy strands on their legs, or–heaven forbid!–a miniscule tuft emerging from their armpits. Not even eyebrows are allowed a moment of unruliness.

Men don’t often realize how much time women put into looking hot, each and every day. When getting ready to leave the house, all guys do is shower (maybe), shave our faces (sometimes) and throw on some pants (reluctantly). Because of this, we forget how much work goes into having a perfectly groomed bikini line, or hairless legs. And because we forget, seeing hair in places we don’t expect definitely surprises us, sometimes turning us off altogether.

Ok, duh. But what do us guys really want? When it comes to legs and armpits, I’d say that those should be shaved at all times. Not that we don’t understand when things get a bit shaggy or it means we’ll want to break up for your lack of shaving, but hairless is definitely a plus.

When it comes to the hair down there, less is always more. But if having nothing makes you feel like a little kid, the landing strip or some variation of that are always good options. Full bush, however, is best left in the ’70s.

In the end, we want women to look as feminine and sexy as possible. And in America, that means not having excess body hair. Basically, the more you remind us of ourselves and our own bodies, the less we want to have sex with you–because dudes are F’ing disgusting beasts.

She Said:

Body hair on dudes, like death and taxes, is pretty much a given. Any woman who wants her man sans hair is either crazy or obsessed with Olympic swimmers. But there is one place that most women do not want hair:

On your face.

Not only do beards look a little Creepy-Old-Dude-In-The-Corner, but they hurt. A lot. Imagine rubbing your face against a Brillo Pad for an hour and you will begin to understand what it is like to make out with a dude with facial hair. And a 5 O’Clock Shadow is even worse. A normal beard feels like silk compared to that stubbly mess.

And as long as we are on the subject of hair, let’s take things down a bit.

Lower…..

Lower…..

Ah yes. Now we’re there. Hair….down there. Puffy and Jay Z may be takin’ care of things on that front, but I can say with certainty that most other men are not. Which means that while girls may like it if you trimmed that tree (or branch…), we never expect it. We aren’t going to head for the hills or, offended, slap you in the face if you have always opted out of the Male Brazilian. Unfortunately, the rules regarding hair in that region are much more lax for the men of the world.

If you did, however, decide to take care of that…well, that would just be a glorious added bonus.

And I am sure you would be rewarded for it again and again.

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