Skeletons in the Closet: The Most Shameful Items in my Wardrobe

If any of the producers of What Not to Wear ever happen to read this article, please accept my personal cry for help and send me to Stacy and Clinton asap.
Though I can usually throw together something appropriate for work or special events, about half of my clothing inventory consists of utterly ridiculous garments. It doesn’t help that I’m sentimental and can’t discard my prom dresses five years later, or that I’m waiting for certain trends to come back (though I’m pretty sure sparkly, sleeveless, turtleneck sweaters were never in style to begin with). And it definitely doesn’t help that I went through a goth/punk phase that a small part of the “professional” me desperately wants to revert back to.
As we all get ready for back to school, many of us will rummage through our closets and get rid of last season’s most shameful shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants in order to make room in our tiny dorm closets for upcoming styles (that we will undoubtedly regret in 2009 or 2010).
Here are some of my particularly embarrassing items.
1. Drawstring Khakis
I think that any pants that don’t have a numerical size should be left alone. So, why I bought these “Size L” drawstring pants with floral embroidery at the bottom is beyond me. They don’t go with any shoes, the trim is tacky, and they are so baggy that they make my ass look like a misshaped Volvo. I used to wear them to lounge around, because a lack of a waist obviously equals comfort; however, I made the mistake of wearing them out of the house one extremely hungover day. In public. With friends. My friend turned to me and said, “If you ever wear those pants again, I will cut them off your body.” Point taken.
Final Decision: Toss ’em.
2. Early 2,000’s skirt from Wet Seal
In my high school yearbook, I was photographed for Amnesty International wearing a purple skirt from Wet Seal with a paisley-ish print and purple sequins along the bottom. I still own that skirt, and I still wear it. So, first of all, the skirt is practically vintage; second, I am far too old to shop at Wet Seal; third, it’s left over from freaking high school.
The strangest part? When I wear it, I get an avalanche of compliments. Everyone says I look pretty, they love my skirt, blah blah blah. Who knew?
Final Decision: It’s a keeper!
3. Girls’ Size 14 Hannah Montana Dress
Here’s a tip for all of you shopaholics out there: Don’t go shopping with a very strong buzz on. You might decide to buy a dress from the little girls’ department of Mervyn’s.
This monstrosity is a silver A-line dress with a black netting overlay, and Miley Cyrus‘ face emblazoned on the front left side. In my drunken shopping stupor, it seemed like a great dress to own! Sadly, it’s already gotten worn twice this summer: once to a bar, where it actually got a lot of compliments, and once to a “Hot Tranny Mess” theme party.
Final Decision: I definitely won’t wear this to a job interview, but you never know when an opportunity to dress as “Post-Op Hannah MonTRANa” will arise. Keep it.
4. White and Green Floral Strapless Dress from David’s Bridal
I bought this dress for a wedding last summer. What’s so shameful about it? Well, in the last year, I lost enough weight that my chi chi’s can no longer hold the top up.
Furthermore, this pattern was apparently all the rage for bridal parties last year. So while the dress itself is simple and pretty, I’ve since seen many wedding albums on Facebook in which the bridesmaids are all wearing this dress. And knowing the way people talk about bridesmaid dress nightmares, owning the same dress (and picking it out myself!) is just shameful.
So basically, the thing doesn’t fit, it totally outs my “I’m not afraid to wear last season this season” mantra, and wherever I wear it, I run the risk of someone coming up to me and gushing about how they wore the same dress as a bridesmaid in a wedding.
Final Decision: Time to toss it.
5. My collection of FCUK t-shirts
Let me begin by mentioning that all of my French Connection tees were purchased IN the United Kingdom, and it drives me crazy to see “Too Busy to FCUK” t-shirts sold in the U.S. because that would make it FCUSA, wouldn’t it??
Anyway, during my stint in England a few years ago, the FCUK puns were at their peak. I have a “Guaranteed FCUK” shirt, a “Too Busy to FCUK” shirt, and a “Do I FCUK” shirt. I also have a “FCUK Down Under” shirt that a friend bought me in Australia, but again, if it wasn’t bought in the UK, it should really say “FCOZ” down under, or whatever you would call Australia. Whatever.
Not only are the shirts mildly inappropriate to wear in public (especially around grandmothers and children), but it’s really hard to find a good size. I’ve tried on Mediums and Larges, and they just don’t quite make the grade. I also have an extra-Large tank top that says, “Massive Hits…FCUK FM” straight across my massive tits, but I don’t even wear XL sizes anyway.
Final Decision: I should toss them, but they remind me of fun times in Picadilly Circus. So I will fold them, store them, and promise to never wear them. As an even trade-off, I will get rid of my “Hooters: Off-Campus” t-shirt and matching Hooters gym shorts. Is that fair?

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