Gossip Girl Recap: Summer, Kind of Wonderful

So, we’re two seconds into the highly-anticipated season premiere of Gossip Girl, and already the hormones are flying! Cue gratuitous shot of Chace Crawford, panting and frisking some girl in the front seat of a car.
But this is GG, people. Chace Crawford sexcapades can hardly satisfy our thirst for smut clothed in Prada. Cut to Chuck, chardonnay in hand, on a beach with one…two…three insanely hot girls. Oh, Chuck Bass. You are what every sixteen-year-old boy should aspire to be before graduating high school.
First shocker of the episode: GG informs us that “Lonely Boy” Dan isn’t so lonely after all. It seems he has a new chick — wait, maybe two new girls? Can you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D?
Of course, before our first commercial break, we need a love triangle, and some legit dramz. Send Chuck to meet Blair, looking sweet and dapper with roses in hand. Insert random new man (James), let Blair make steamy eye contact with Chuck and then shove her tongue down new guy’s throat. This is how it goes down for high schoolers in the Hamptons.
It’s game, set, match for Blair when she enjoys dinner with both James and Chuck, yet she still feels the need to run after Chuck when he storms away from the table with his tail between his legs. WTF Blair? We know you don’t feel the same way for James as you did for Nate. Otherwise you wouldn’t be chasing Chuck. Alas, poor Chuck, who used to be made of steel, turns on the waterworks again, just in time for another gratuitous Chace Crawford shot — hottie Nate running down the street in his underwear after his new lover’s husband comes home early from work.
The GG writers get to show off their wit as Blair vents to Serena. Line of the night: “Damn that mother-Chuck-er!.” No wait, Blair can top herself: “All I could see is that Chuck Bass-tard.” Oh, B. You’re killing me. Just hop in a limo and ride the boy for heaven’s sake. Or is that, like a pair of leggings, too last season?
Just before commercial break number three, everyone gets set up with their dates for this episode’s party, a shameless product placement in the form of the “Vitamin Water White Party.” The party scenes, of course, begin with a montage of beautiful people in white bikinis (drinking Vitamin Water), and an array of awkward looks (and Vitamin Water) as tension brews between Jenny and her bitch of a boss and Nate and his married mistress (who all drink Vitamin Water). Of course, if looks could kill, the death row sentence would be awarded to Chuck for his staredown of Blair and James.
But is Gossip Girl really becoming the Waldorf Show? In order to save the best juice for the last few minutes, it’s time to bring Dan back into the picture.
Until he showed up at S’s granny’s doorstep, I’d somewhat forgotten that Grandma Van der Woodsen used to have it out for Lonely Boy. Did anyone else’s jaw drop when Granny invited Dan to the party as her date? It’s too bad that Blake Lively looks absolutely gorgeous in her party ensemble, and that she and Chace Crawford would make the most beautiful babies, because I was rooting for some Serena/Nate action… until I remembered Dan, who happened to arrive just in time to see Serena fake-make-out with Nate. Dammit, Dan.
Typical Dan calls Serena out for her drama, only to have his two ladies from the opening credits show up and throw colorful martinis on his white suit. Could’ve seen that one coming. Yet, finding out that Dan is both hypocritical and some kind of playboy makes Serena want to rekindle the old flame. As Gossip Girl says, “When words get in the way, there’s only one thing to do…”
MAKE OUT!” screamed my roommates and me, in unison. This late in the episode, and the only non-GG watcher in the room has to ask, “Are these people supposed to be in high school?” Um, yeah, don’t all high schoolers drink their faces off, have affairs with married women, and hump like gorillas on Versace sheets?
But back to the main event: Blair and Chucky. Obviously, Blair’s game of chess has to explode in her face, as James realizes he’s her pawn. But he can’t just leave after one episode! James makes his “big confession,” the one Chuck needed a PI to uncover. Drum roll, please….
He’s really Marcus Beaton, he’s British, and a lord. And he likes that Blair dissed him and called him boring. I could see a little S and M working it’s way into this relationship.
Well, if Chuck thought he’d uncover some dirt on James/Marcus, he was wrong. And he knows now that he doesn’t have sh*t on a British Lord. So he gives in, but not before he begs Blair not to leave with him. Blair makes the final offer: give her three words and eight letters (“I love you,” for those of you that missed it). And Chuck drops the ball.
What the Chuck?
Chuck and Blair have totally stolen the spotlight for this whole episode, and it seems the writers had a couple of minutes to spare at the end, so they give us Serena and Dan. On a beach. With a bonfire. And freaking fireworks start going off. Barf.
A lot of recapping of last season tonight, a few twists and turns, and a lot of potential drama set-ups for the rest of the season. But with the Chace Crawford hot-bod-shot count already climbing, I can tell that it’s going to be a great season.

The Hills Goes Bicoastal
The Hills Goes Bicoastal
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