New Fall Shows: Full of Suede, Sassy Blackness, and old 80’s Heartthrobs

I watch a lot of TV, and since I’ve been homebound for a few weeks because of surgery, I have been watching more TV than should be legally allowed in the United States. Most nights, there are previews for NEW FALL SHOWS!! every 3.2 seconds, and having watched my fair share of these previews, I’d like to make a list of a few of these new dramatic ventures. A list in which I try to determine what the show is about, and how long it will go without being cancelled, from only the actors and title.

* Bad Mother’s Handbook – ABC – (premires: Midseason) With a cast that includes Megan Mullally, Alicia Silverstone, and Arrested Development‘s Alia Shawkat, there is the potential for this comedy to either turn out okay or really, really suck. Mullally has Will and Grace, but she also has that horrible talk show that failed harder than Jessica Simpson’s country album. Silverstone has Clueless and she loves animals, but she’s also made a boatload of horrible movies. Based on the title, I’d say we have a situation comedy where Mullally predictably plays a hard drinking, irresponsible mother, and Silverstone plays her lovable and cheerful daughter. Hijinks ensue. Hijinks that will probably go on for about 5 episodes before getting the ax.

Gary Unmarried – CBS – (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8:30 pm/ET) Jay Mohr and Paula Marshall (??) no doubt play either a husband and wife, a divorced-yet-still-talking husband and wife, or a shticky guy who can’t find a mate and his ever reliant best female friend. Jay Mohr tends to be funny 20% of the time. I have no idea who Paula Marshall is. And I’m so freaking tired of comedies where it’s all about finding a significant other. I predict maximum suckage and cancellation after 2 episodes.

My Own Worst Enemy – NBC – (premieres: Monday, Oct. 13, 10 pm/ET) Christian Slater is back and freshly botoxed. I have to bend the rules here a bit because I’ve seen a preview for this show every three seconds and it seems like CSlate plays a fuddy duddy dad and ALSO a secret spy killing machine — two personalities in one body! NBC tends to have pretty good taste, and I can’t deny that I’ll personally be tuning in for the first episode out of sheer Slater curiosity, so I give this show at least 10 eps before it gets the ax — if it gets the ax at all.

Privileged – CW – (premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 9 pm/ET) Anne Archer is the only person with a vaguely recognizable name in this totally obvious rip-off of Gossip Girl and The OC. Poor smart chick descends into the decadence of other rich chicks. Lots of couture name dropping. If people even remember this show is on, I’m guessing it’ll be axed before the end credits roll. There’s only room for one highly sexualized teenage romp-fest on the CW, bitch.

Do Not Disturb – Fox – (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 10, 9:30 pm/ET) Jerry O’Connell and that hilarious woman from Clean House and Reno 911 (Niecy Nash) obviously duke it out all uptight-white-guy and sassy-black-woman style. I pray for both of them that this situation comedy works, but the idea is so old and frankly played out I sort of doubt it. Is it really news to anyone that uptight whiteness and sassy blackness tends to clash? At least on TV? Niecy, I love you, but unless you have some kind of Hail Mary sassy blackness surprise going on, I foresee cancellation after episode 3.

Honorable nostalgia mention: Knight Rider (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8 pm/ET on NBC) I think most people will tune in because they want to see if this thing can actually work without the Hoff. Plus, I hear Val Kilmer is the voice of KIT, and even though his body looks like a lump of melted wax these days, his voice has always been mischievously sexy.

Honorable Dawson’s Creek mention: Fringe (premieres: Tuesday, Sept. 9, 9 pm/ET on Fox) Pacey works it in this sci-fi drama. I’m not a fan of sci-fi, but I’ll watch just to see how Joshua Jackson, the perpetual teenager, looks in his late 30’s.

Honorable Fierce Costume mention: Life on Mars (premieres: Thursday, Oct. 9, 10 pm/ET). Fab 70’s camera work and vintage style, plus Harvey Keitel and Michael Imperioli? If I have to make this show succeed all by myself, I will.

[What new shows are you excited for??]

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