The Last People Who Should Ever Make a Sex Tape

So Josh Hartnett has a sex tape. God heard our prayers! What we wouldn’t give to see that thing…in IMAX. [Wipes drool off of desk.] Knowing this (and praying that we can one day watch it) got us thinking: what does one eat while watching a sex tape? Popcorn? Edible underwear?

Also, who else would we want to see starring in their very own sex tape?

Ed Westwick, fo sho.

The teacher from the new 90210.

Ourselves (for private viewing only…and the cellulite would have to be airbrushed).

Anyone, in fact, besides these people:

Dave Coulier: We imagine there would be voices and impressions.

Barbara Walters: So. many. wrinkles.

Tim Gunn: “Make this work.”

Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson: Self explanatory.

Al Roker: Imagine that face paired with an orgasm.

Al Gore: We imagine he’s opposed to the excess waste caused by condoms.

Carrot Top: Ew.

Gary Busey: Shudder.

Roseanne Barr: Would you want to see her in the buff?

Spencer Pratt: The actual act of sex isn’t the problem. It is our fear that he may reproduce.

Phyllis from The Office: She did earn the Dundee for “Bushiest Beaver.” We don’t need to find out if it was well deserved.

Honorable Mention:

Our parents.

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