Their Only Vice Was Not Picking These Veep Candidates

I’m smart, and I know about politics. I know who Barack Obama and John McCain should have picked for their vice presidential candidates. I know this because I’m a genius.

Who Obama Should Have Picked

Flavor Flav

Obama’s shown that he has the quick charisma, intelligent flow and moves to be head MC of famed “conscious” rap crew Wyyte-Houzz and M-RIKA, but even the greatest mic rocker can only work the crowd so much. What Obama needs is a dedicated hype man, a man who can properly rep his skills without grabbing too much of the limelight – a man like former Public Enemy member and all-around gentleman Flavor Flav. Sure, it’s a heavy weight to carry around one’s neck, but Flav is used to it.

Paris Hilton

John McCain gets panned for being “too establishment”, “too Bushie”, and too conservative in general. But McCain was quite the Nostradamus, I think, when he highlighted Paris Hilton as an upcoming power player in the field of American politics. What makes her such a compelling choice? She has absolutely no platform. She’s completely Teflon. What are you going to disagree with? Taking McCain’s lead, I predict a future where President Obama will not only give Hilton the vice presidency but will make the Secretary of Defense a ham sandwich. Have you ever won an argument about nuclear policy with a ham sandwich? Neither have I.

A full-length mirror

Really, would anyone else do a better job? Obama may have to bulk up a bit for his reflective debut, since seeing his skinny butt all the time might give him body image issues, but otherwise a mirror image of Obama would be the perfect veep. He’d be harder to assassinate. He could double-team enemy politicians on the basketball court. He’d even pin down that right-handed constituency that’s been eluding him this whole time. Better yet, American citizens would no longer have to worry that the leader of the free world is a vampire. Unless he is. But better to find out now, instead of over Mr. Putin’s pale, bloodless corpse.

Who McCain Should Have Picked

Sylvester Stallone

McCain needs to get back to his party roots if he wants to win over the breadbasket of America this September. What he needs to realize is that the GOP is really about two things: getting shirtless and killing people with bazookas. Huckabee came close with his endorsement by Chuck Norris, but he’s always wearing those nerdy denim jackets. And honestly, it’s been far too long since Schwarzenegger terminated anything other than fashion sense. Stallone is the only man left for the job, and he’s already had experience taking down those damn Commies.

Any one of his pets

Everyone loves dogs wearing clothes, and as a dog lover, I’m sure McCain wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to put one of his adorable mutts in a presidential three-piece — or any of his other pets. And his party would rally behind the choice for sure: they’ve been outdone by the Democrats, who plan to elect the first black president. They’re trying to one-up that by electing the first woman vice president – but why stop there? Why not go with the first ferret vice president?

My grandfather, who is a realtor

My grandfather knows a lot about houses. He buys houses, and he sells houses. He doesn’t really have any other qualifications for being the vice president, I guess, although he does read the Wall Street Journal. But you know what? McCain has all the president stuff covered. But what about his houses? We all know that McCain said he “couldn’t remember” how many houses he had – but we haven’t really thought about this in detail. What if he has no houses? That’s terrible! If he were the vice president, my grandfather could help McCain buy a house to live in. That would be his Vice Presidential Promise, and he makes good promises.

[Stallone-vision courtesy of]

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