5 Reasons I’m Over Crazy Frat Parties

Two days into freshman year I went to my first frat party. Walking into the Greek lettered doors made me feel like I had just stepped onto a movie set. Everyone had red solo cups! Everyone was dancing and having oodles of fun! And Oh my god! Is that an ice-luge!? Yeah, best night of my life…until the cops came.
Regardless, for the next two years I lived and loved the open frat parties. I thought our love affair would never end…and then, this past weekend we broke up. Now, I still enjoy the small frat mixers but the crazy parties, have gotten…well, old. “Why? What could be better than living in an animal house world?” You ask.

Well, here are my top five answers.

The abundance of scantily clad freshmen. Sure, I was once a freshman myself, and being away from home and being able to wear and do whatever you want is exciting, but eventually you will regret wearing a bandana-sized piece of cloth as a top.  And I’m all for sex and I’m all for dancing but do you really need to attempt both simultaneously on the dance floor in front of everyone? It seems these open parties contain about 80% girls and about 75% of those are freshmen girls. Trust me ladies, the body shot phrase will get old, and I’m over watching it.
One word: Keystone. Really guys, Keystone Light, at every party? Keystone has got to be one of the grossest, cheapest liquids ever created. Spring for something a few notches higher. I’m not saying I expect margaritas to be blended before my eyes (although that would be amazing) but there are better beverages out there than Keystone. PLEASE switch it up! Boxed wine would be an immense step up for just as much money! Get some class, guys.
Intense heat. Two-hundred dancing drunks leads to temperatures close to two-hundred degrees…thereby creating two-hundred sweating dancing drunks. It’s simple math really. Why can’t these guys get a fan or two? Or some AC? How about just opening a window? When the place starts to smell and everyone’s make up is melting I’m ready to peace (which ironically is around the time I walk in the door).
Bathroom lines. It seems like all frats have some kind of rule about having only two working toilets. Inevitably everyone has to pee at some drunken point and when the line winds up and down stairs I’m ready to pop a squat outside (the grass is also a lot cleaner). Standing in a line for an hour to use a dirty, smelly bathroom, isn’t my idea of a hot Saturday night.
Bouncers? Seriously? Lately it seems like frats have themselves confused with hoppin’ NYC night clubs. The lists, the tickets, the bouncers at the doors…Safety is great, but something tells me that these moves are more about persona than safety. Last weekend I actually had my school ID checked at the door, by a 40 year old bouncer. You guys are definitely not cool enough to need bodyguards and bouncers. Sorry, you aren’t Johnny Depp and this isn’t worth it anymore…
[What do you think about Frat parties?  The shiz, or just sh*tty?]

A Modern Guide to Classroom Etiquette
A Modern Guide to Classroom Etiquette
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