“What Rachel Ray does to food, Hitler did to Poland…she’s like a hypnotist; ‘everything’s okay, you’re eating just fine, throw some cheese on it and you’ll be fine'” — Anthony Bourdain.
[Initially, we thought today was Rachel Ray’s birthday. Obviously, one of us was taking drugs or something, because her birthday was actually August 25. In any case, we still stand behind this article, because birthday or not, she’s still probably tied SOMEHOW to Beelzebub]
In case you’re not familiar with her 30-minute brand of world domination, here are some reasons why Rachel Ray always has a first class ticket to fire and brimstone.
1) Her Voice: It sounds as though she smokes 3 packs a day, unfiltered. Except she rolls her own and crumbles glass and charcoal into that sh*t. We only know her for 30 minutes, why is her voice like that? Hopefully it’s from being really peppy and not screaming like a banshee at her sous-chefs all day.
2) Too perfect at making 30 Minute Meals: There is something fishy about her innate ability to time meals so that she always has time to take two or three bites. Something almost…satanic. A power so cosmic, every time she suggests her meal idea, I think ‘ok bitch, today’s the day you aren’t getting to eat what you make!’ but the stars somehow align and Ray gets two or three bites while laughing maniacally about how easy it was. Portobello burgers in 30 minutes my ass; devil burgers with a side of devil.
3) Change in Diet: The redeeming thing about her (satanic) gift to cook fast was that she was almost always making something good and even if she f*cked the devil, she was advocating eating home cooked unprocessed foods. Then Ritz and Dunkin Donuts baked her a nice fat money cake with money frosting and she flew on her magic carpet made of money and decided it was time to tell people that spreading cream cheese on a ritz was a wholesome pursuit.
4) Smile: Dude, what the hell? Don’t stare directly into it! When Rachel Ray opens her mouth, if you are close enough, you hear the sound of a thousand dead souls screaming backwards. It is literally a rip in space and time. Light bends inward toward her gaping maw. I had a nightmare where Rachel Ray cut my mouth with a knife and asked me, WHY SO SERIOUS?
I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat her food, but I would do so with the cautious suspicion of a detective who has been invited in by the very man he believes to be the ‘Uptown Slicer.’
Don’t think we haven’t noticed your ‘convenient ascension’ to media control, Demon. You’re on our radar.