Fact: I love famous men. Love them. No matter what movie or TV show I’m watching or what gossip magazine I’m reading, I can always pick out at least one person that I would totally ride the Sexy Train to Dirtytown with. (Example? The other day I was chatting with my lady friend about the do-ability of Jerry Seinfeld. No joke.)
But despite all their fame and money and ready access to plastic surgery, there are some celebrities that are too terrifying even for a fame skank like myself to consider acceptable. Here’s a rundown of the top five male celebs I’d rather saw my leg off than get nekkid with.
5. Donald Trump
The thing about Donald Trump is, he has a lot of qualities that tend to suck me in. He’s grossly rich, he’s arrogant, he’s ostentatiously tasteless – though I know that these traits aren’t generally recognized as good, I have a total weakness for all of them. But when it comes to Donald? Yuck. In him they’re so pronounced, they make an already unattractive dumpy dude even ickier. Lucky for him, Manhattan is crawling with ladies looking for a free dinner; lucky for me, I’m not one of them.
4. Carrot Top
Carrot Top started out merely as an obnoxious, unfunny comedian with a really crappy name, until one night when he was hit by a drunk truck driver hauling a tankard full of toxic waste. Then Carrot Top started noticing some bizarre changes; the skin on his face started pulling back and tightening, making him look like Joan Rivers; his body shape-shifted from that of a normal man to Guile from Street Fighter; dark rims appeared around his eyes almost like he was inexplicably applying obvious dark eye makeup to his pale-ass Irish complexion. He had evolved from Carrot Top to Super Carrot Top, King of the Startlingly Clown-Like ‘Roided Up Creeps. Truly terrifying.
3. Dr. Phil
Folksy colloquialisms delivered in an irritating Southern accent? Check. Completely self-righteous attitude? Check. Host of a totally white trash talk show masquerading as legit programming? Check. Yep, Dr. Phil meets all the necessary criteria to be shot off into space, never to return. Oh, and he’s crazy unsexy.
2. Michael Jackson
So obvious, he almost shouldn’t be on the list. But the fact that he is attests to what an awful awful horrorshow he is. Think about him being in your bed. Do it. I dare you.
1. Weird Al Yankovic
Song parodies may be my least favorite thing in the world, and Weird Al has been bringing them to the semi-mainstream for, like, as long as I’ve been alive. And I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, and I know that nerdiness is part of his shtick, but this dude’s decades of sporting the worst hair/glasses combo ever while singing about lasagna to the tune of “La Bamba” has earned him the number one slot on this list, putting him ahead of Michael Jackson. Some might call it the highest achievement of his career. And some are absolutely correct.
This is just a small selection from the vast pool of individuals who deserve to make this list – I welcome you to chime in with your own nominees.