The election is less than 4 weeks away, which, obvi, everyone knows since the campaign commercials/ mailings/ phone calls/ SNL skits are EVERYWHERE. All the time. I even hear “I am Barack Obama and I approve this message,” in my freaking SLEEP.
It’s crunch time and Barack Obama and John McCain are popping into new cities every day to tell Americans what they plan to do when they move into the Oval Office.
Which got us thinking.
We know that we could never run for president (there are waaaay too many Facebook albums that could be used as blackmail), but what if we could? So, we asked our writers to weigh in on their Presidential Plans: If they were elected president, what is the first thing they would do?
Carly – Grinnell: I’d slide down the White House banister.
Megan – Brown University: Mandate that designers lower their prices immediately… Hello, Manolo
Blahnik slingback heels and Marc Jacobs leather bag!
K- NYU: I’d mandate the correct pronunciation of “nuclear.” 2 syllables, kids. New-clear.
Julia – UC Berkeley: I would install a monorail/people mover from my house to the farthest building on campus (that all of my classes happen to be in!).
S.E.: Legalize pot. The U.S. could make a ton of money from selling it and more jobs would be created by having people regulating it.
Amber – Old Dominion: If I were president, I’d introduce a bill into Congress that makes man boobs illegal. DOWN WITH THE MOOBS!!!
J – NYU: Make it a law that all hot male movie stars have to visit the Oval Office…shirtless.
Olua: I would make it illegal for radio stations to play the same song twice in a six hour or less span.
Lauren – University of Michigan: I would get the smartest scientists in the world together to solve the world’s Cheesecake Crisis. It is time we stop expanding our waists by indulging in this delectable treat; I plan on making that sh*t fat-free!
Sarabeth – University of Texas: My mom’s going to kill me for this, but I’d go full out on universal health care.
John – UConn: Solving the retirement issue: I’d build a twenty-foot high steel bastion around the borders of Alaska and then move all the baby boomers there. Maybe swap them in for the dogs in the Iditarod so we could at least get some entertainment out of them.
Heather – UPenn: I would hire a first grader to teach John McCain how to send emails.
Kari – FSU: I’d abolish citations and arrests for underage drinking in college towns. If you’ve got a 15 year old wastecase, by all means cuff ’em. But on gameday or at the campus bar? Look the other way Po-Po and say goodbye to pre-party binge drinking!
Sara – NYU: I would immediately give universal healthcare to all Americans. This “privitization” bullsh*t
McCain is trying to sell us is good for the rich and very, very bad for the poor.
EG – University of Wisconsin: First thing I’d do is figure out a way to give everyone who wants to go to college the chance to go. Once I had that taken care of I’d pillage the White House Kitchen.