When Halloween Gets Straight Inappropriate

Halloween can be a great holiday; candy, being able to wear those 4-inch glitter pumps you bought for some occasion that could only be Halloween, weird-colored drinks that taste like an explosion of sugar…we could go on. Halloween is just badass.
But you know what? Halloween can also be really, really inappropriate. Inappropriate body parts shoved into spandex, inappropriate masks that scare the bejeezus out of people on the street, inappropriate dances to inappropriate song selections such as “Monster Mash” — if you’re not careful, this holiday can quickly go from good time to complete epic FAIL.
Here’s a few ways that can happen…

Lame photo montages of you in a stupid costume posing with cops. You know who else has “been handcuffed by cops!” in a photo before? EVERYONE.

Using Halloween as a chance to basically get naked in public is a sure sign that your assurance in yourself is massively inappropriate. Oh yeah, you are also a huge douche.

Halloween rule #1: You need to f*cking BE something. Running around in your underwear and knees socks and calling you and your girls “a gaggle of sluts” is pretty much grounds for immediate death.

Cheap costumes suck. Don’t be proud that you force your children into them. (Editor’s Note: Anyone who sees this child is going to have inappropriate thoughts of tea bags/tea bagging. Don’t do that to your child.)

The only thing worst than cheap costumes on kids are slutty costumes on kids. Don’t put your little girl in a short skirt. It’s f*cking cold and short skirts are for ADULTS.

Using your child as an agent of fear is worse than stuffing them in a cheap costume or a slutty costume. Babies are supposed to be cute, not scarred for life.

Over-decoration. It’s not Christmas — and even then, over-decoration is always stupid. DON’T YOU KNOW WE’RE IN AN ENERGY CRISES?


Nerdy and “ironic” couple costumes.

Nobody ever laughs at these (except behind your back).


There’s slutty, and then there’s SLUTTY.

The bold kind are the ones who get no respect. Ever. From anyone.

Please keep these things in mind as you contemplate your Halloween plans this year. Seriously, don’t make us leave our bowl of Twix Bars to drag your slutty-not-a-real-costume ass home. Thanks much.

Thank God for Friday Happy Hour
Thank God for Friday Happy Hour
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