Gossip Girl Recap: Yalies Have All the Fun!

When last night’s episode of Gossip Girl opened with a spoofy Eliza Doolittle dream sequence, I wanted to throw up in my mouth. However, what unraveled over the next 42 minutes (not including commercial breaks) was one of the juiciest, drama-filled, completely-untrue-to-high-school-life episodes of the season.

I freaking loved it.

All of our favorite Upper East Siders are getting ready for college. Which makes me think: my alcoholism peaked in college in a Keystone-Dubra-Keg Party blur. These “high schoolers” drink martinis for breakfast. What will happen to them after graduation?

So, obviously the GG writers have to come up with an elaborate scheme to get everyone to Yale for College Admissions Day. What better way to do so than by having Blair slam Serena, and Serena fight back by flaunting her hot Blake Lively self for the Dean of Admissions? You know something’s gonna go down when the kids’ Headmaster advises them to “present yourselves in the best possible light.” Yeah, right.

To put it in a nutshell: Chuck wants to join a secret society. Nate’s dad has a bad rap at Yale, so Nate pretends to be none other than Dan Humphrey in order to shack up with a collegiate hottie (Ladies– would you EVER shack up with a high school boy on a school tour? To answer my own question, I guess I’ve never seen a minor who looks like Chace Crawford…). Oh, and did I mention that Yale has decided to change it’s “stuffy” image, hence the interest in Socialite Serena? More on what I DID NOT find believable later.

In typical Chuck Bass fashion, blindfolded, non-English-speaking prostitutes show up in threes to *cough* impress the members of the secret society Chuckie so desperately wants to join, but what these guys really want is a piece of Nate Archibald. Hmmm. So Chuck sets up poor Lonely Boy to get beaten and tied, half-naked, to a gazebo. (Editor’s Note: Is tying a skinny kid in his boxers to a statue really the best a secret society can do?) Where was this when I was scoping out potential unis?

Meanwhile, Serena seems to have the upper hand, until Queen B. resurrects herself and outs Serena for that dude that she “killed,” as you remember from the Georgina sequence from last season. Low blow, B. Low blow. Still, using dead people to your own advantage almost always instigates a girl-on-girl catfight on the porch of the home of an Ivy League dean. If you missed it, I’m sure you can imagine the hair-pulling and purse-throwing.

After that, GG took a completely shocking turn: Serena and Blair APOLOGIZE to each other, call a truce, and decide to put their friendship first. “We’ll find a way, together,” promises S. after the Dean accepts her into Yale, but not Blair. Did I accidentally switch to a TBS rerun of Saved by the Bell? Meanwhile, Nate tells Chuck that Dan is cool, and leaves with his new bro-friend instead of with Chuck.

After discovering that Chuck set them up to attack Dan instead of Nate, the Secret Society tells Chuck he has no chance at Yale next year. Chuck returns with photos of the orgy the society had with his pro’s last night, taken from their lipstick cameras. Which brings me to the quote of the night:

“You might be the future leaders of the world… you’re now under the control of Chuck Bass.”

Dear GG writers: I love Chuck Bass. Keep his drama flowing.

While all of this Yale drama was going down, Jenny was convincing Rufus to let her drop out of school to pursue her fashion career. This is the perfect opt for a gratuitous shot of the Upper East Side’s most fantastic MILF, Lily, looking absolutely smoking in a sexy little black dress that Jenny just happened to design. Sh*t, what guy wouldn’t allow his teen daughter to become a drop out after a brief convo with Mama Sex Kitten herself? I usually hate the old-people-love-triangle storylines, but damn, I would kill for those legs now, let alone when I’m forty.

To end this recap, I’ll present the most unbelievable points of last night’s episode:

1) Serena receives a handwritten invitation to the Yale open house. In cursive.

2) Dean of Admissions gives Dan pointers after two of his references fall through. In the real world? That application’s going straight to the shredder.

3) Blair and Serena have a nerd-off. They are spoiled rich girls in Manhattan, dropping Sir Thomas Moore references left and right. I have a Masters in English and I don’t even care that much about British Lit.

4) Dan and Nate both become BFF’s with that Yale girl that Nate was after. Um, no.

5) Rufus allowing Jenny to drop out and become home-schooled. He might as well give her a Manhattan on the rocks and a male escort to celebrate, cuz that’s how they do on the Upper East Side!

I loved this episode, all falsehoods and fairy tales aside. Can’t wait for next week…can you?

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