Welcome Back, Hairstyles of 1994

When I was in elementary school my mom would wake me up an extra 20 minutes early on some very special mornings to crimp my hair. Eyes closing, head drooping, I would sit on my bathroom counter as my mom went through my (excessively thick and fro-ey) hair – section by section – with my purple and teal crimping iron. The end result was horrifyingly awesome. I had the coolest hair in school.

But as quickly as my crimper came into my life, it made its exit. As soon as I hit middle school I realized that giant hair was not in and that, maybe, a round brush and a hair dryer was the way to go. I tossed that crimper in the trash and never looked back. Because no one should. Because that hairstyle was completely ridiculous and it really looked good on no one.

Which someone should explain to Madonna and Lohan.

I don’t care how famous you are, ladies, but this look is not. hot. Yes, Madonna, I realize that you have been this major trendsetter for.e.ver, but this is not a trend that I am ready to embrace (again). I know that I totally hopped on the cone-bra-train back in the early 90’s (literally – I was 6 and would put ice cream cones under my shirt), but this is different.

This is crimped hair. And it looks awful.

I don’t know who yours stylists are, ladies, but it’s time to give them the boot. In the ass. The 90’s may be back at American Apparel, but they are not returning to the salon anytime soon. Get a Chi and let’s move on.

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