Top 5 Reasons Why I Can’t Watch Horror Movies

I know that a lot of people like horror movies. I know this because a lot of people tell me they like horror movies, and also because Saw V is just about to hit theaters (the 5th installment of a plot that basically consists of scary machines and blood). There’s something about watching other humans scream in agony that a lot of people can’t get enough of — but I am not one of those people. I’ve never been one of those people. Since I came out of the womb, I have been scared to freaking death of horror movies.

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why.

5) When Things Pop Out In An Attempt To Scare, I Always Get Scared

I know that it’s like, part of the fun, or whatever, when the music suddenly swells and a creepy things pop up all creepy, or someone is grabbed ,or a face appears in a mirror, but that sh*t gives me a heart attack every time. I lose my breath and my heart flips out and then I get really violently angry. Like I want to punch the TV for doing that to me. I get scared and then I get pissed and then my whole day is ruined.

4) Weird Noises Always Happen Afterwards

Whether I’m back at my childhood home, in a dorm, or at my apartment, after watching (or accidentally watching) a horror movie, weird noises will keep me awake all night. It never ceases to amaze me that it happens every single time. The wood creaks, my closet door won’t shut all the way, something scurries across the floor…my bedroom isn’t haunted until I watch a scary movie. Then it’s haunted. Totally, Ghostbusterly, haunted.

3) I Get Dizzy At The Sight Of Blood

Yup. Sorry. It’s true. I never used to get woozy when I saw platelets, but after childhood ended, so did my interest in inspecting a pricked finger. If I cut myself I have to squint and then find a band-aid. If someone is bleeding around me I have to run for cover and take deep breaths. Knowing my intolerance, how could I possibly sit through 90 minutes of splattering? Watching someone get their arm ripped off isn’t really cool, but when lots of blood is involved with that arm-ripping, it becomes absolutely nauseating for me. No one should have to drag a barf bucket into a movie theater with them. Dates don’t like it.

2) I Do Not Need More Violence In My Life

Currently, life is really scary as is. I see enough horrible stuff about the Iraq War and on the streets of NYC to last me for years — why would I want to up my violence quotient with half-naked girls getting sliced in half? Scary sh*t doesn’t turn me on or excite me, it just makes me sad and simultaneously want to pee my pants in fear.

1) I Have Nightmares Like A 7-Year-Old Kid

Some people can watch horror movies and then go eat an ice cream and play scrabble with their parents. Me? I lie in bed and replay everything I saw until A) I drift off into horrible, horrible nightmares or B ) I drift off into really horrible, horrible nightmares. The kind of nightmares where you wake up and instantly want to crawl into your parents’ bed but can’t because you’re 25. I wake up in tears. I wake up running. Bad news bears, my friends. Bad news bears.

[Have any reasons of your own for not being able to watch horror movies?]

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