Sexy Time: Dating Disasters

[For many of us, sex and college go together like Uggs and snow – you can’t have one without the other. So, we brought in one of Berkeley’s finest sex columnists, Elizabeth, to start a dialogue about the topic (and act) that is very near and dear to our hearts. Every Thursday she will get your day goin’ with a little somethin’ somethin’ that’s on her mind.]

I am the queen of terrible dates. Good or bad, I’ve always been the girl that “gives him a chance (or two)” often to a fault. After losing some blood, skin, and half of a tooth on my last date (no lie, I can’t make up stuff this good), I decided that enough is enough. No other girl should have to go through the pain of being toothless for two weeks during finals – it’s just wrong.

As a result, I’ve put together a survival guide to navigate you through the three most painful date scenarios you may ever encounter.

1. He wants to pregame with you – before your date.
There is nothing wrong with having a little somethin’ somethin’ before a date, but a trashed date should be a red flag. There are three things that go really well with heavy intoxication: vomit, awkward hook-ups, and injury. Ironically, these are three things clash with dates like Crocs with…anything. So what do you do if your date downs three long islands by the time you order your appetizers? First and foremost, I hope you didn’t wear heels since you will be walking all night thanks to Drunky Danny. If you made the fatal mistake of wearing heels, do not under any circumstances accept any sort of offer from your date to carry you home. Believe me, there is more than one muscle that gets weaker upon intoxication, which may cause him to severely overestimate his strength. Other than that, you can’t really do anything other than put his drunk ass to bed, run home as fast as you can, and never go out with that guy ever again.

2. He’s great at conversation (with himself).
There is nothing worse than listening to the epic tales of a guy that will not shut the hell up. You know how it goes: he’ll start off with the story about the time he took Salvia and thought everybody was a different type of bread. Pretty funny, right? Then that story runs into the touching story of his longest keg stand. Which starts to run into the tale of every single bar fight he’s ever “almost been in.” Yeah, he’s not so funny anymore. When this happens, you should first of all feel flattered that he likes you enough to go to such lengths to impress you. After soaking up that flattery for about five minutes, it starts to get annoying and you need to do something about it. My advice? Say something! He may just be talking because he’s nervous and is waiting for you to take the reins. Once you’ve got those reins, be sure to steer the conversation away from the brag sesh and into something that you may even remotely be interested in. Now if he keeps interrupting you to go back to the self-flattery, then you know that he just loves himself too much for him to have any room in his heart for you. So sit back, listen to the stories, then go home and crack up with your friends about the tool.

3. He is a firm believer in the phrase “Chivalry is dead.”
I know that it’s the 21st century and men don’t need to order our meals for us or anything, but a little special treatment is kinda nice once in a while. There is really no other time that we can enjoy the luxury of chivalry and profuse kiss-assedness like we can on dates. Once in a while, however, you will encounter the anti-gentleman: he walks in front of you, lets doors slam in your face, and expects you to cover your own bus and subway ticket to the restaurant. It could be that he doesn’t care, or that he is completely oblivious. In this situation, however, you need to decide exactly how important gentlemanliness is for you. If you are little Miss Independent (thanks, Kelly Clarkson) and you prefer to do your own dirty work, then this guy may be perfect for you. However, if you’re the kinda girl that likes roses and love letters, then I don’t think this is the Casanova you’re seeking. I find that most girls fall somewhere in the middle, which may force you to (gasp!) evaluate the guy as a whole, not just on the presence of his smooth moves. A mild warning, however – this chilvary-is-dead attitude may indicate a lack of romanticism that may actually become a problem in the future, regardless of your stance on the issue.

Unfortunately, the thing about dates is that there are a really million and a half things that could go wrong. You really can’t know the perfect response to every situation at the exact moment it occurs. But that’s why dating is so fun – it’s completely unpredictable. And hey, if it’s a total disaster, at least you’ll have a good story to tell at next Sunday’s hungover brunch.

He Said/She Said: Guys and Porn
He Said/She Said: Guys and Porn
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