Sexy Time: Condoms Say A Lot About a Man

[For many of us, sex and college go together like Uggs and snow – you can’t have one without the other. So, we brought in one of Berkeley’s finest sex columnists, Elizabeth, to start a dialogue about the topic (and act) that is very near and dear to our hearts. Every Thursday she will get your day goin’ with a little somethin’ somethin’ that’s on her mind.]

Rubber, love glove, cock sock, willie warmer…the list goes on and on. When it comes to condoms, girls tend to believe in two distinct condom states – he either has one or he doesn’t have one. To guys, however, condom choice is a highly personal selection. The condom he chooses reflects various aspects about his emotional (and physical) attributes. Think of it as his sexual zodiac sign of sorts. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the pick up line, “So, what’s your sign?”

The Magnum: You know what they say about guys with big condoms….Big egos. Whether he is XL or not, this guy wants to be sure that you think he’s got the goods. Now I’m no expert, but I’m guessing about ½ of all guys that own Magnum condoms use them for decoration only, not for any functional purpose. Unfortunately for him, if it’s all purely for show, odds are his bluff will be called by the time the night is through.

The Coscto Size: One time when I was hooking up with some guy he had to run downstairs to borrow a condom from a friend (more embarrassing for me or him, I’m not sure). When I went back the next weekend, there was a jumbo pack of condoms sitting at eye level right next to his bed. Now I understand if he wants to pick up a stash to prevent future humiliation, but does he really need to make the trip to Costco to buy a 200-pack of condoms? Usually, the Costco guys get a little ahead of themselves. Just calmly remind him that no, you will not be having sex with him four times a day for the next two months.

Her Pleasure: Awww how nice. He wants you to enjoy yourself. Or he wants you to think that he wants you to enjoy yourself so that you’ll put out and then he’ll get to enjoy himself. Damn are they confusing.

Female Condom: I have personally never had the pleasure of an awkward female condom proposition, but I would take it as a sign that this guy wants me to do all the work. If faced with such a situation, I would probably give him a polite death stare while naming all of the things I do in the name of sex: take a daily pill, keep in shape, deal with cramps, childbirth….

Extended Pleasure: Well this guy just wants to keep on going and going and going…(okay, sorry for the tacky Energizer bunny reference.) I’m guessing that he is either insecure about his performance time or he wants to make it last in fear that he won’t get to bone you for awhile/until you get out of class.

Pleasure Pack: Variety is the spice of life, and this guy knows it. These tend to be my favorite guys – they’re spontaneous and I know they’re not lying about their intentions via their condom decisions. Is he gonna whip out the her-pleasure or the glow in the dark? I’m not sure, but at least I won’t need a mood ring or a crystal ball to be able to tell how he’s feeling that day…

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