The Hills Finale: Shockers and Drama and Boobs. The Usual.

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Before I begin my final recap of The Hills for this season, I would like to give everyone out there who did not watch this episode a chance to walk away, because I am about to spoil this shiz for you.

Are they gone yet? Good. I mean, who the hell would miss that? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this episode since 10:31 pm last Monday. Pathetic? You bet!

Ok, let’s get started. Can I get a dayuuum for the ending? I don’t know about you, but I didn’t see that one coming. Nice curveball, MTV! Here I thought Spencer and Heidi had the ultimate romantic wedding in the courthouse, but they didn’t go through with it! I don’t really know why; Heidi looked so happy as was dragged into the courtroom to marry her hairy lover. And then when she started to cry a mixture of Botox and tears as she told Spencer that she wanted her mom at her wedding – that was a really tender moment. And, um, Spencer agreed?

I cheered!

It is no secret that I hate that man and his facial hair (that was dipping into his mouth all episode…gross), but I have to say that his little speech to her at the end was actually really cute. Ok, maybe not cute, but I didn’t have the urge to reach through the TV and strangle him, so that’s something.

Now, I know that those 2 lovebirds were supposed to be the main focus of the show, and they did have me gasping, but there was so much more happening on this supersized episode.

Like the reunion between Lauren and Heidi when they both “somehow” end up at the same event (how did that happen!?). Heidi, standing with her 2 sisters (aw), spies Lauren and Lo and asks Stephanie if she should go see them. Steph tells her it’s a great idea: “They knew they’d run into you here.”

Right. Because Lauren not walking over to say hi isn’t an obvious enough signal that she wants nothing to do with Heidi. So, Heidi goes over there and they chat, and it looks a little like this: I miss you, things are really hard, tears, I want you back in my life, OMG are you working out? I miss you lots, lets hug, bye madam. I am not sure what all that meant, but what I got was that Lauren’s blazer is hiding her love handles.

Note to self: buy blazer.

While everyone else was at the party of the century, Audrina and Justin Bobby were riding his Hog off into the sunset for a romantic weekend for two (plus the MTV camera crew). Because nothing says romance like a pair of overalls with a muscle shirt underneath followed by chugging a bottle of champagne (from the bottle) and calling your lady, “dude.”

Awwww!

And the romance doesn’t end there! JB also ordered Audrina filet and asparagus – a giant and expensive meal that she will most likely not eat/throw up later. Then he used his teeth to pull some tin foil ring off his pinky finger and kinda sorta told her he wanted to be with her long term. This was not easy to understand, of course, because he made very vague and non-committal statements and forced Audrina to agree. What she agreed to, I have no idea. It sorta reminded me of the time that DJ got married without knowing it on Full House when she walked around the table 3 times with that Greek kid.

Are Audrina and JB married? Who knows? What I do know is that this season of The Hills is Dunzo like Kristen Cavallari’s “career,” and we all have to wait until next season – or Heidi and Spencer’s next awful photo shoot – to find out what’s happening next.

Thank God we have The City comin’ next week – something to live for.

(Come back tomorrow for our inside look at The Hills season finale party!)

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