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Assault with a Deadly Taco

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taco.jpg19-year-old Zachary Moir is being held on $1,500 bail and has been sitting in jail since Tuesday. His crime is a little surprising as he didn’t bring a gun to school, yell fire in a crowded movie theater, steal or drive drunk. Instead Zachary Moir has been charged with domestic violence battery after throwing a taco at his mother.

That’s right, a taco.

Dena Moir, Zachary’s mother, called Volusia County sheriff’s deputies to on Tuesday to report the incident. After several attempts to get him to come to dinner, she did what any frustrated mother would do: she went upstairs to her son’s room and disconnected his xBox. Well, Zachary wasn’t having that, so he called his mother a name and asked her to leave his room.

If only it ended there, Zachary Moir would just be another bratty teenager who wanted to play video games instead of join his mother for some delicious tacos. But, of course, Zachary got hungry. Maybe the smell of ground meat wafting up to his room were too much to handle, or perhaps he even felt a little guilty that his mother slaved over a hot stove. Either way, he went to the kitchen to nosh on some mouth-watering Mexican.

And this is where the taco meat hit the fan. Or, rather, the face. The report says Mrs. Moir pushed Zachary, after which he slapped her left arm, called her a “retard,” and threw the taco in her face.

I can’t help but wonder if his bail would be quite so expensive had it had been something softer like maybe an enchilada, or a quesadilla? Those don’t have quite the harmful edges like a good taco shell. What I do know is this: if I had thrown a taco in my mother’s face she would have done a lot worse than call the police.

No one wastes food when there are starving children in China.

COLLEGECANDY Writer