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The Obama Term Drinking Game



There are only two things I didn’t do enough in 2008: read about Barack Obama, and drink. And, like any two problems, it turns out you can fix those with a simple drinking game. But I don’t this to be some namby-pamby Johnny-come-lately one-night drinking game. For better or worse, I want this drinking game to last as long as Barack Obama is the president. For the next four years, I want Obama streamed directly into my life. And I want to be really, really drunk.And unless our national situation shapes up soon, you probably will, too. So:

The 2009-2013 Barack Obama Presidential Term Drinking Game.

– Drink every time Obama shoots a three-pointer as a publicity stunt. Drink again if he makes it.

– Drink every time an annoying conservative blogger photoshops Obama in a compromising political situation. Chug if it’s hilarious, like “PHOTO EVIDENCE: HUSSEIN OBAMA SHOWN WITH MINIATURE TALIBAN RADIO TRANSMITTER AND 40 VIRGINS UNDER TURBAN.” Chug and sob if FOX decides that bad photoshops are “news.”

– Drink every time Obama is implied to have planned or caused the following events: the economic crisis, 9/11, the Iraq insurgency, the Pearl Harbor bombings or the assassination of Julius Caesar.

– Drink in celebration every time one of the Big Three auto industries makes a full-featured, attractive, affordable electric car (please get out of the car, first).

– Alternately, take a shot every time one of the Big Three goes bankrupt or gets bought by Toyota.

– Drink every time any senior Democrat says “worse before it gets better.”

– To avoid mass pan-American blackouts, times when Obama says “hope” or “change” will be reduced to one-quarter of a drink each.

– Drink every time Obama pisses off the Russians (missile defense system in Poland, anyone?) Drink again if Putin responds with more shirtless martial arts videos.

– Drink every time Obama is hotter shirtless than Putin anyway.

– Drink whenever Michelle Obama is compared to Jackie O.

– Drink whenever Barack Obama is compared to JFK, and drink to calm your nerves whenever you see him in an open-air venue (was anyone else inexplicably terrified during the election night speech?)

– Drink whenever Obama is shown with any kind of nasty un-Presidential personal technology.

– Drink whenever Obama’s cabinet is described as a “second Clinton administration,” a “throwback,” a “dynasty” or anything similar. Chug if Bill Clinton ends up with an official Obama administration post.

– Drink every time someone paints an Obama mural in a European city.

– Drink a Shirley Temple every time Obama makes a speech in a predominantly Muslim country.

– Take one drink for every point Obama’s public approval ratings fall below 50%. Hopefully, this one won’t kill anyone outright through alcohol poisoning.

– Drink every time the Obama girls don’t get arrested for drunk driving or fake IDs. Heh, heh.

– Pound a few shots if, upon taking office, Obama turns out to be an evil overlord and replaces the Washington Monument with a giant statue of himself. Pound a few more if the statue shoots lasers from its eyes.

– Finally, until the Dow makes it back over, say, 10,000, drink every time you’re able to afford it. Obama might be smiling up a storm in office, but the next four years could be rough.

Print a copy, keep it in your pocket. Be ready whenever, wherever. And play responsibly, yeah?

1. I turn my pillow over to the cool side about seven hundred times each night. 2. After college, I'm going to secede from the Union and become the King of Taco Bell.