There are only two things I didn’t do enough in 2008: read about Barack Obama, and drink. And, like any two problems, it turns out you can fix those with a simple drinking game. But I don’t this to be some namby-pamby Johnny-come-lately one-night drinking game. For better or worse, I want this drinking game to last as long as Barack Obama is the president. For the next four years, I want Obama streamed directly into my life. And I want to be really, really drunk.And unless our national situation shapes up soon, you probably will, too. So:
The 2009-2013 Barack Obama Presidential Term Drinking Game.
– Drink every time Obama shoots a three-pointer as a publicity stunt. Drink again if he makes it.
– Drink every time an annoying conservative blogger photoshops Obama in a compromising political situation. Chug if it’s hilarious, like “PHOTO EVIDENCE: HUSSEIN OBAMA SHOWN WITH MINIATURE TALIBAN RADIO TRANSMITTER AND 40 VIRGINS UNDER TURBAN.” Chug and sob if FOX decides that bad photoshops are “news.”
– Drink every time Obama is implied to have planned or caused the following events: the economic crisis, 9/11, the Iraq insurgency, the Pearl Harbor bombings or the assassination of Julius Caesar.
– Drink in celebration every time one of the Big Three auto industries makes a full-featured, attractive, affordable electric car (please get out of the car, first).
– Alternately, take a shot every time one of the Big Three goes bankrupt or gets bought by Toyota.
– Drink every time any senior Democrat says “worse before it gets better.”
– To avoid mass pan-American blackouts, times when Obama says “hope” or “change” will be reduced to one-quarter of a drink each.
– Drink every time Obama pisses off the Russians (missile defense system in Poland, anyone?) Drink again if Putin responds with more shirtless martial arts videos.
– Drink every time Obama is hotter shirtless than Putin anyway.
– Drink whenever Michelle Obama is compared to Jackie O.
– Drink whenever Barack Obama is compared to JFK, and drink to calm your nerves whenever you see him in an open-air venue (was anyone else inexplicably terrified during the election night speech?)
– Drink whenever Obama is shown with any kind of nasty un-Presidential personal technology.
– Drink whenever Obama’s cabinet is described as a “second Clinton administration,” a “throwback,” a “dynasty” or anything similar. Chug if Bill Clinton ends up with an official Obama administration post.
– Drink every time someone paints an Obama mural in a European city.
– Drink a Shirley Temple every time Obama makes a speech in a predominantly Muslim country.
– Take one drink for every point Obama’s public approval ratings fall below 50%. Hopefully, this one won’t kill anyone outright through alcohol poisoning.
– Drink every time the Obama girls don’t get arrested for drunk driving or fake IDs. Heh, heh.
– Pound a few shots if, upon taking office, Obama turns out to be an evil overlord and replaces the Washington Monument with a giant statue of himself. Pound a few more if the statue shoots lasers from its eyes.
– Finally, until the Dow makes it back over, say, 10,000, drink every time you’re able to afford it. Obama might be smiling up a storm in office, but the next four years could be rough.
Print a copy, keep it in your pocket. Be ready whenever, wherever. And play responsibly, yeah?