The Ultimate Super Bowl Halftime Show

So, Super Bowl 43 will be played at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida, and will feature a battle between the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yawn.

It sounds like this year, people will be tuning in moreso for the hysterical commercials and the halftime entertainment, rather than the actual football. So far, it has been announced that Jennifer Hudson will sing the National Anthem (meh), Faith Hill will perform a pregame show (over it), and Bruce Springsteen has snagged the highly coveted spot as the halftime performer. I’ve got nothing against the Boss, but if you’re going to get people to tune in to watch the Cardinals, you’re going to have to offer them some excitement at some point during the game.

Where’s Janet? Bring in some gratuitous nipple shots if you really want to please the public.

That said, I would like to petition the National Football League to consider taking me on as their halftime party planner. Here are some sample line-ups that I would suggest to really keep the party that is 2009 going strong.

1. Lady Gaga

Now here’s a breakout star that could get all of Ray-J Stadium on their feet. In a Times description of the woman behind the hottest dance track of 2008, Ms. Gaga was given madd props: “In combining music, fashion, art and technology, Lady GaGa evokes Madonna when she was good, Gwen Stefani circa Hollaback Girl, Kylie 2001 or Grace Jones right now.” There you have it, folks. The next Madonna, the drug-free Winehouse, the sane Britney, the non-annoying Fergie. F*ck the pigskin, Tampa. Get off your feet on February 1 and Just Dance.

Not hot enough: Throw in a cameo by the other hot biatch of 2008, Katy Perry. Who said football has to be a “guy thing”?

2.  Coldplay

They might not offer the over-the-top splendor that Lady Gaga could bring (you know home girl would have plenty of pyrotecnics), but Viva la Vida was the most downloaded album on iTunes last year, so they’ve got something going for them.  Wanna make the crowd really go wild? Figure out a way for Joe Satriani to take the stage and intersperse his riffs from “If I Could Fly” with Chris Martin and company’s title song from the album.

3.  Madonna and Janet.

Both of them are fading from the spotlight, but their names remain notorious.  Imagine if we paired up the Queen of Pop and Miss Jackson (if you’re nasty).  Besides, Madge caused quite a stir in 2003 when she locked lips with both Britney Spears and Christina Aquilera, and more recently has made headlines since a 30-year-old Playboy portrait has surfaced and is set for auction.  Meanwhile, Miss J. is probably one of the most memorable performers in Super Bowl history.  Do you see the lines you could draw from this partnership?

Bonus: Throw Justin into the mix.  Have him sing his part of “4 Minutes” and then have Madonna rip Janet’s top off (because Justin doing it again would be way to predictable).

4.  Michael Jackson, with backup dancers from a Filipino prison.

If you haven’t seen this video, you just won’t get it.  But that would be the performance of the century.

5. All of the F*ck Ups from Last Year

It would be like a updated version of “We are the World.” Let Brit-Brit introduce the posse, since (kudos, Brit) she has cleaned up her act, and then throw Wino, LezLo, SaMANtha, and Miley onstage (do I read Perez too much?).  Hey, at least it will be funnier than any commercial they throw at us.  To close the performance, invite the Twilight cast up, make it look like they are going to do something, and then cancel the rest of the halftime show.

6. Beyonce and Jay-Z. A Lover’s Duet.

Beyonce’s single, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” has been blowing up the charts, and even inspired a satire on SNL.  What’s more, she got music mogul Jay-Z to actually put a ring on it.  The bonus? All the rap stars travel with a posse, so there would be a good chance of other celebs popping up throughout the performance. Hey, Beyonce and Mariah partied with their husbands in St. Bart’s over New Years…

Hey Obama, We Want a Do-Over, Too!
Hey Obama, We Want a Do-Over, Too!
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