Pillow Talk with Diana: “Is He Blowing Me Off or Am I Paranoid?”

Q: I started dating a guy I was friends with for 1.5 years.  He asked me out forever, but I wasn’t ready after a bad breakup with an ex-bf. We went out on a handful of dates and then he got distant, so I pulled the plug and we stayed friends. I stopped contacting him.

One day in September I texted him. He claims he didn’t know it was me, so I started flirting with him and it drove him nuts trying to figure out who it was until he finally guessed it was me.  We got together again in November.  He asks me indirectly what else am I doing that week, he wants to see me again.  We got together again and he’s kissing me again in public.  I feel a little shy about it.  Then we make out at his house, but we don’t have sex.

We saw each other again in a few days.  I had to travel locally for work. I come back and we go out and again he kisses me rather hard in public – but we don’t go to his house.  But something changed and lately it’s been lunch type dates.  He also claims he’s had a cold on and off for 3 weeks.  It doesn’t stop him from hanging out with other friends and he doesn’t go to a doctor for it.  He said him saying he’s sick isn’t a hidden message, and that he wants to fondle me, but having a cold puts a damper on things.

I think I’m being blown off and he doesn’t want to hurt me.  I know that I don’t get to know the reasons why.  Though I have a pessimistic attitude b/c of some past experiences,  I’m diligent not to make that someone else’s burden to carry, however.  The problem: I think I started to fall in love here.  I want to believe he is telling me the truth, but my intuition says he’s being passive-aggressive.  I just wonder if this is my pessimism at work or should I spare myself some heartache and accept that he’s keeping me at a distance and move on to someone that wants to make more of an effort to see me?

A: I’m going to keep this short and sweet. First off, I’m calling bullsh*t on the three-week cold. Second, it’s time to drop him and find someone that–you said it yourself–wants to make more of an effort to see you.

And not just more of an effort, but an effort, period. The period of most contact in your relationship was those handful of dates you had months ago. Since then, he’s went from being distant to ignoring you, to making out with you at his house, to lunch dates that, I’m willing to bet, are pretty damn convenient for him. If you’re going from actual evening dates to lunch, you’re going in the wrong direction. This cold excuse is a way for him to put as little effort as possible into hanging out with you without actually doing the brave thing and telling you he’s not interested in dating you.

I can understand your tendency to second-guess yourself and not want to give up on this in case you’re just being pessimistic, but I think this is one of those situations where, if your intuition is tell you something is off, then something is off. Don’t battle your gut feeling about this guy because you want things to work out.

If you’re still not convinced (and sure, there is a chance he really is interested and is acting like he isn’t for whatever reason unrelated to you), then think about what kind of relationship you want for yourself–with him or with anyone. Is it one where you feel like your significant other is always distancing himself from you? Is it one where you feel insecure and unsure of how he feels about you? Is it one where you’re having lunch dates and he’s blowing you off because of some mysterious ailment? Probably not. My suggestion, if you still want to give it a shot–lay your cards out on the table, tell him that you like him and that you want to date, ask him out on a date, whatever. If he gives you any kind of wishy-washy, shady response, cut him off. You want this guy to be as excited about you as you are about him…and if he’s not, then you deserve better.

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